The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Monday, April 25, 2005

Wise Men Say

A few months ago I was in Cincinnati on business. I was only an hour or two away. I had her number in my cellphone. I had a nice hotel room. I was tempted to call her. I was tempted to ask her to come and see me.

But a few weeks ago I finally did it. I went through my phone book on my cellphone and erased numbers. I erased a number that I had dialed a few times in the past year in times of weakness and loneliness. I would always end up feeling worse after I would talk to her.

Like I was playing blackjack, and doubled down on 11, only to get thrown a 3 of clubs on the next card.

She hurt me good, that's for sure. She ruined the memories that I had of her. As I have explained to my friends while drinking too much--she ripped my heart out like an ancient Aztec ritual.

But as much as I could never really forgive her, it is myself that I can't forgive. I can't forgive myself for falling for her again. I can't forgive myself for dreaming of her still, of seeing her walking down the bread aisle at the Supercenter and following after her only to realize it is not her at. I can't forgive myself for looking for jobs in her town. I can't forgive myself for letting her hurt me. I can't forgive myself all the poems I have written about her and for her, and I can only hope that she threw them away.

The truth is I wonder, if I will ever forgive myself. If I will ever be able to accept the fact that this has happened. If the dreams will ever go away for good.

I have met someone recently, and she taken my breath away. She is beautiful, smart, and has a smile that I could set my watch to.

And the thing that I am worried about is if I can put my heart back out on my sleeve. If the hurt is worth the risk.

My heart and head have opposite votes, and all these scars are the tiebreakers...


Blogger Nelson said...

Dude, you just resurrected some good old memories for me with that post! Thanks for being so open (even though that's technically what a blog is for).

Being a guy who's been in your shoes before (and what doesn't feel like THAT long ago), here's some encouragement: the pain probably won't go away completely, but it truly is just a scar. There's always a little reminder of the pain, but it's only noticed when you look at the scar.

When I met Allison, most of those old feelings and memories went right out the door. She filled my heart to overflowing, and healed the hurt. Now, with my daughter, there's more love than I know what to do with.

So be patient. As Solomon said, there's a season for everything. Your wife-to-be will fill you so much with love and gratitude that these pains will vanish and only come back when you really focus intently on them. And then, I promise, that they sting a lot less.

8:57 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

i have to agree with my good buddy nelly. i think it would be excellent to grab a beer with you sometime.

6:30 PM  
Blogger Drew Caperton said...

Tell the mystery woman I said hello.

11:51 PM  

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