The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Weirdsville, U.S.A

(I have no idea why this stuff happens to me!)

I had a headache from the time I woke up, which by the way was extremely late, yesterday. It was right at the front of my head. At one point I wondered, well maybe I could drill a little hole in my head and that would squeeze out a little bit of the pressure.

Well, unfortunately for me, I didn't have a drill with me.

I traveled over to Harrison, Arkansas to do some service calls on a couple of clients. Both places I went didn't help my headache. If you have ever been in a cement block plant, you will understand why it didn't help. Imagine getting a couple of jackhammers in a bathroom, miking the up and turning the amps up to 11 and you will know what it is like to be in a block plant.

So after I got done with my service calls, I decided to stop at the local Wal-Mart store and get something for this headache.

I walked over to the pain reliever aisle. I stood there trying to make a decision on whether to get the Aleve or Tylenol. I eventually decided on the Aleve and started to walk up to check-out to pay.

Well, evidently, in the Harrison Wal-Mart, the pain reliever aisle also doubles as the birth control aisle. This guy tapped me on the shoulder and asks me, "Which on would you recommend?"

I turned around to face him and noticed that he has two boxes in his hand.

I did my patented "Lafe Benson, Are You Talking to Me?" look, which consists of glances over each shoulder and a look of befuddlement on my face.

He repeated himself, "You got any suggestions?"

I didn't know what to say. Here I am with the world's largest headache and some weird 40-something guy wearing a Ron Jon Surf T-shirt is asking my opinion on rubbers. I figured my best plan of action was to stammer.

"Well, uh, I'm not, uh, really an expert on, uh."

"I hear these new ones are extra-sensitive, what do you think?" He said.

Evidently, my stuttering and stammering did not convey the message that I felt really awkward with the entire conversation. So I repeated myself.

"Yeah, man, I, uh, guess, uh, those are, uh,"

He smiled at me and then laughed, "Yeah, I think you are right. I think I'll get these. Thanks for the help." And he patted me on the shoulder.

I stood in the pain reliever/birth control aisle in the Harrison, AR Wal-Mart and thought to myself, wow, what just happened? I looked around to see if anyone had seen this conversation. I thought of maybe going to the manager to see if I could watch a surveillance tape to see if what I thought had just happened really did. But what I really wondered was why in the world everyone on this planet, especially Wal-Mart shoppers, have this urge to talk to me.

I walked up to the front and paid for my Aleve and decided I also needed a Dr. Pepper. The lady working the register said, "Thank you, please come again."

Not a chance, lady, I thought.


Blogger Nelson said...

The guy probably thought you were a good looking man (they swing both ways in Harrison), and therefore assumed you got a lot of action and would know your rubbers.

I was going to say "know your rubbers like the back of your hand", but that could be taken badly. :)

2:08 PM  
Blogger Brett said...

I had a headache all day yesterday. Thankfully I never had to go to Wal Mart.

3:19 PM  
Blogger Lafe said...

Nelson, always making sure my posts are classy, thank you...

And by the way, I have heard my fair share of things that happen in Harrison, AR, but that was never one of them...

4:11 PM  
Blogger Nelson said...

"Classy" is my middle name!

John "Classy" Nelson.

11:21 PM  

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