The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Thursday, September 15, 2005

Cool Hand Lafe

The humidty of the day had finally given way to the coolness of night. Our protagonist, Lafe, was walking into the local Wal-Mart to try and figure out something to eat, even though he wasn't very hungry. He stopped right at the automatic doors The doors opened, but he looked to the left.

He saw three huge pallet size boxes of bright orange pumpkins. Like three small Ozark mountains of pumpkins.

He went over boxes and lifted the first pumpkin that he saw. He turned it around and inspected it, looking for any bumps or imperfections. When he came the small indention, he rubbed his finger around the small hole five or six times. Then he raised the pumpkin up over his head with both hands. He threw the pumpkin down against the asphalt as hard as he could, and it oddly felt good. He picked up another pumpkin, this time he lofted it up in the air, the arc creating a perfect splat. He kept smashing the pumpkins on the ground. A few customers had stopped by this time, looking at this mad man, smiling and throwing pumpkins down on the ground.

Finally, a store employee came out to try to put a stop to the madness, but with all the pumpkin goo on the ground, the manager slipped and busted his ass something fierce. He was wallering around on the ground trying to find his radio so that he could tell someone to call the cops.

When the cops arrived, the found Lafe sticky and laughing on the sidewalk curb. They drew their guns.

"What's so funny?"

Lafe just kept on laughing, laughing so hard he was in tears.

The cops cuffed our protagonist and introduced him to the asphalt on a more intimate level. Lafe was amazed at how warm the asphalt still was from the day's heat. They threw him in the back of the squad car and apologized to the store manager who was already mopping up the big mess. Lafe looked at him from the back of the car and smiled, but the manager just rubbed his busted ass and tried to look as menacing as possible back at our protagonist.

Lafe adapted to the jail quite well. When the road captain asked him that first day about why he was sent to jail, Lafe answered with a hint of pride in his voice.

"Public Mischief, I smashed a bunch of pumpkins at a local Wal-Mart."

The Road Captain asked, "Smashed a bunch of pumpkins, huh? Well where did you think that would get you?"

Lafe just smiled, "Well, Captain, you might say I wasn't doing a lot of thinking."

Our protagonist was sent off on many a work detail, dusting back country roads. At night, he played cards with the rest of the boys.Bubba Joe Jean gave Lafe his nickname, Lafe liked to bluff a lot at cards. As he said, sometimes "nothin' is a real cool hand."

One day the boys were taking bets, who could do this, who could do that.

Lafe jumped up and said, "I bet I can eat 50 mozzarella sticks in an hour!"

Everyone shouted back, "Can't nobody eat 50 mozzarella sticks in an hour!"

Bubba Joe Jean took the bets and eventually every man around had money on whether Lafe could eat 50 mozzarella sticks in an hour. Lafe trained and trained.

There was a large plate of 50 mozzarella sticks sitting on the table, waiting for Lafe. He sat down at the table an started. He started out really well, he ate the first 10 within 5 minutes. But he slowed down after that. There were times when everyone thought he would puke, but he kept going. When it came time for the last cheese stick, Lafe was laying down on the table. He was bloated and an odd shade of blue. He shoved the last stick in his mouth and swallowed it whole. He had already passed out when all the others checked to see if he had swallowed the last cheese stick. When they opened his mouth, there was nothing. Lafe had won the bet.

Our protagonist decided to run a few times. The first two times, he was successful, but he was eventually caught.

The road boss tried to make an example out of him.

"What we've got here, is a failure to communicate!"

He made other successful escapes, but escaped one too many times.

Now, when the boys tell the stories of old Cool Hand Lafe, they smile. Bubba Joe Jean tells the story of his last escape well.

"He was smiling... That's right. You know, that, that Lafe smile of his. He had it on his face right to the very end. Hell, if they didn't know it 'fore, they could tell right then that they weren't a-gonna beat him. That old Lafe smile. Oh, Lafe. He was some boy. Cool Hand Lafe. Hell, he's a natural-born world-shaker. "

He surveyed the pumpkins one last time. Our protagonist then walked through the automatic doors and got what was on his grocery list, spinach and chicken.


Blogger Drew Caperton said...

I openly wonder if Smashing Pumpkins got their name from this post right here. Hmmm...

8:49 AM  
Blogger sarah j. said...

ok, so it took me a little bit follow this post, and I've even seen Cool Hand Luke. A young Paul Newman....oh yeah. I finally got it [your post] at the end. Nice 'dream sequence'... ;)

2:58 PM  
Blogger EY said...

being the sheltered..non-movie media anything had me going and was like "oh s^&!...lafe got himself arrested...should have called him back last night"....glad to see that it was all haha funny..and a sigh of relief. was busy getting my life back together now that i'm back home. i'll return that call soon.

5:08 PM  
Blogger Nelson said...

I'm with the Yangster on this one...I haven't seen Cool Hand Luke (I know, I'm not a real boy yet).

About the time you got arrested is when i realized it had something to do with the movie.

But it had been a better story if it really happened to you. In fact, if it really did happen, I'd vote the post about it as the coolest post ever.

6:51 PM  

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