The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States

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Saturday, September 10, 2005

Snot Rockets In Flight, Afternoon Delight

PICTURE DELETED BECAUSE, WELL, IT WAS REALLY NASTY AND IT ACCOMPLISHED THE PURPOSE OF MAKING PEOPLE ILL!!!

So I was in the big metropolis of Flippin, Arkansas yesterday afternoon.

(For the record, every time I write Flippin I always want to add an apostrophe.)

I went to use the restroom and found one of the strangest signs I have ever seen. It said simply this:

NASAL SECRETIONS DO NOT BELONG ON WALLS OR DOORS!!! PLEASE USE A TISSUE!!!

There are two things that disturb me:

1. They wouldn't have put a sign up prohibiting "nasal secretions" unless there was a problem. I made sure to wash my hand and not to touch anything or anyone.

2. The word "secretions" sounds so much more worse than snot. It sounds dirty. Kinda like when someone says someone "soiled themselves" instead of crapping their pants. Why does something that uses proper grammar sound so much more worse than slang?

10 Comments:

Blogger Wayne's Mom said...

THAT is a hilarious post, despite whatever you might have been doing in Flippin!

If you get a chance, come visit us in Hot Springs. Ours is a unique demographic here in Hot Springs, where the median age is 42. Over 40% of us have incomes of $100K or more, and we support 12 championship golf courses and 27 non-profit organizations directly related to the visual and performing arts. Having hosted a Historic District Gallery Walk the first Friday of each month for nearly 16 years, Hot Springs was recently named #4 Art Town in America.

There are definitely other great things to do here during the year. The first two weeks of June attract nearly 200 pre-professional classical and jazz musicians for the Hot Springs Music Festival. Early September brings the annual Bluesfest and Hot Springs Jazzfest.

By late October, the city swells with nearly 20,000 people for the Hot Springs Documentary Film Festival, one of four preliminary sites for the Academy Awards in the documentary category.

From January through April, hotels and restaurants are booming with racing fans at Oaklawn Jockey Club, a 102-year-old thoroughbred racetrack.

Cradled by the Ouachita Mountains, three pristine lakes lure the likes of FLW Bass Fishing Championships. Located on a 210-acre peninsula of Lake Hamilton is a breathtaking bounty of botanical beauty known as Garvan Woodland Gardens.

Our particularly outstanding accommodations include Lookout Point Lakeside Inn, one of only three Arkansas inns listed on the Select Registry. Embassy Suites Hot Springs, an all suite hotel adjacent to Summit Arena, was ranked #1 Embassy Suites worldwide for 2004.

Best of all, Hot Springs is packed with people who understand hospitality. Sure, we have attractions. But without the people who live here, we'd be a ghost town instead of a resort town.

Local people. Local events. Hot Springs' REAL attraction.
Come see us again!
Rebecca McCormick, Executive Editor
Hot Springs Life & Home magazine

8:27 PM  
Blogger Nelson said...

First of all, I'm sorry you had to visit Flippin. Secondly, I'm sorry you had to go through Yellville to get to Flippin. Thirdly, signs like that ARE extremely disturbing (being the fact that the sign was needed in the first place, as you said). Lastly, that may be the most obscene photograph I've ever seen.

8:24 PM  
Blogger sarah j. said...

your post made me gag...

9:11 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...

I'm hurling right now.

11:51 AM  
Blogger Dallas said...

Please tell me that image is Photoshopped or I will be haunted for days.

3:49 PM  
Blogger Shelli said...

Still hurling...

I can handle blood, guts, puke, poo, and just about any other bodily function...

BUT LOOGIES AND BOOGERS AND SNOT MAKE ME GAG LIKE NO OTHER!!!!!!!

4:33 PM  
Blogger Lafe said...

What a bunch of babies, can't stand a little, okay a lot, of snot...

5:25 PM  
Blogger sarah j. said...

thanks for censoring....

3:46 PM  
Blogger Nate's Nonsense said...

Obviously the girls who were sickened by the post didn't mind it too much, because they kept looking at it. It's kind of like when guys smell each others farts. You smell it for your friend because you know that he will owe you a sniff later. If they looked at it more than once then they were asking for it and need to suck it up or quit looking. I personally wish you would post it again because I would like to look at it.
Also, while Sarah was reading your blog to me Bailey, my dog, let out a secretion of her own. She let out one of the nastiest farts I have ever smelled. I don't know why dog farts smell so bad but they do.

10:49 PM  
Blogger iknowlotsofweirdstuff said...

Please, please, send me a copy of the picture, the references to it have me gagging to see it. E mail is pb168@hotmail.com

10:02 AM  

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