The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Monday, October 17, 2005

Everyone's Playing Tag

And everyone keeps tagging me to write all this stuff. Which I will. But not like everyone else's. Here is my list of stuff, mostly untrue but hopefully creative...

10 years ago...

I just turned 18, a glorious age that one can finally run away and join the circus. The funny thing about joining the circus is that you start with the bad jobs. I cleaned up elephant dung, which isn't as bad as you would think in the winter. It freezes rather quickly and is easy to scoop up. I did this for a few months until there was a unfortunate accident with knife throwing show. It seems Vincent the Great was hopped up on crazy pills and threw a knife while his beautiful and talented assistant Meredith was twirling around on a bullseye. Vincent wasn't supposed to hit the bullseye, unfortunately he did. Now the bearded lady, Tom, wouldn't get up on the bullseye because she was afraid that her beard might get accidentally cut off. So I was drafted to ride the bullseye. But before I had knives thrown at me, I promised myself two things: make sure Vincent doesn't take anymore crazy pills and the moment one of those knives gets close to "Mr. Belvedere" I would quit. I only worked there for 5 more days. So, I hitchhiked my way across the country. I ended up in L.A. and while drinking a latte at Starbucks, I somehow found my way into a job as CNN's legal analyst during the O.J. case. I was the one that jumped up in the air when O.J. was announced to be innocent and quoted the Communist Manifesto. CNN said it was unprofessional and fired me rather quickly. I was quickly signed to a long term TV deal with VH1.

5 Years Ago...

While waiting on my application to be accepted to NASA, I worked at a small tattoo parlor in the middle of Las Vegas. I started off slowly, I would color in a few tattoos here, a few tattoos there. Then I got to start drawing more and more. Eventually, I would come to create some of the most brilliant looking tattoos in the country. I was even on the cover of one of those magazines that everyone always see at Barnes and Noble and thinks, wow, that is one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen done with a human body. My biggest failing was not my designs, I was like a Picasso with a tattoo needle. No, my biggest fault was my inability to spell at a 3rd grade level and accidentally misspelled "I ROB CONVENIENCE STORES FOR FUN!!!" on a big biker dude. I spelled "I BOB CONVVVVENCE PORES MORES TON!!!" The big bad biker dude almost beat me to death, luckily for me, I have two kidneys and didn't need that one that was bleeding profusely. Unfortunately, NASA requires two kidneys for all their astronauts, so I didn't get into the program. Bummer...

1 Year Ago...

Last year I worked the Al Sharpton presidential bid. After a total of 5 days campaigning, the presidential bid was over. I made a small fortune in witty political t-shirts that said, "Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Al Sharpton!" I quickly blew my entire fortune from t-shirts investing in stores that sold nothing but breakfast cereal. I lived on Honey Nut Cheerios for months...


I got in fight with manager of a McDonald's in Little Rock, Arkansas when I popped off the Monopoly pieces only to find two Main Streets as pieces. I kindly explained to the manager that there was no such thing as a Main Street in Monopoly. He begged to differ. I then planted a plastic tray into the side of his face. I misjudged the strength of the plastic tray because all it did was make him angry. He pulled me over the counter and tried drown me underneath the coke machine. I reached over his shoulder and threw him against the McFlurry machine. I could see out of the corner of my eyes a small 13 year old McDonald's employee running towards me with a fry basket. I don't know what happened to me after he hit me over the top of the head. But I woke up in the Pulaski Co. Jail with a headache and an basket imprint on my bald head.

5 Snacks I Love...

Beef Jerky
Turkey Jerky
Cheese Jerky
Tuna Jerky
Steak (Stolen From Esther)

5 Songs I Know The Words To...

Barry Manillow's "I Write The Songs"
Rage Against The Machine's "Pocket Full Of Shells"
The Theme Song To "ALF"
Soft Cell's "Tainted Love"
Snoop Doggy Dog's "Gin And Juice"

5 Things I Would Do With a Million Dollars...

Go to the bank and exchange it for 100 million pennies
Make 100 million wishes in a wishing well
Buy a really cool necklace
Shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die
Hire a guy to release a dozen doves and blow an ancient Viking horn every time I enter a room

5 Places I Would Run To...

Prairie Grove
Nova Scotia
A Treadmill
To Wherever The World's Largest Frying Pan Is

5 Favorite TV Shows

The Tony Danza Show
This Old House Reruns
Prescription Drug Commercials
KNWA Weather
Univision Soap Operas

5 Biggest Joys...

Beating 3rd graders at a game of Horse
Microwaving CD's upside down
The smell of belly button lent

5 Toys...

#2 Pencils
Home Shaved Ice Machine
Nerf Footballs
My Bentley
Bonsai Plant

5th Line of My 23rd Blog...

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." I was writing about a bad experience with a Fry Daddy...

I hope a few people are still reading this. My only hope is that I made a few people laugh. And hopefully made John Nelson pee himself...


Blogger Drew Caperton said...

Seems like Cool Hand Lafe made his triumphant return to the blogosphere. It was good to see him in action.

9:29 AM  
Blogger Shelli said...


1. I peed, I hurled, I almost wrote a book about how funny this was.

2. Your "10 years ago" thing was straight out of a "Newsboys" song.

3. The Tony Danza Show? Nice!

11:25 AM  
Blogger Nelson said...

I didn't pee myself, but I did fart a little when I laughed really hard. Is that satisfactory??

My favorite part? Shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die.


10:03 PM  

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