The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Greatest Story My Father Has Ever Told

A couple of months ago, I was waiting to hear if my Aunt Jodi had delivered her little daughter that turned out to be a little boy. So I called my father to ask him, but he said no. Then he told me to remind him some day to tell the story of the day that I was born and he had the worst hangover of his life. I said, wo wo wo. I had to hear this story. And this is what he told me...

The day I was born, my dad had the worst hangover of his life. He and my mother had been to a party in Evansville. Now this was back in my dad's "smoking" days. No one else at the party smoked, they were kinda straight people. Well, he stuck these two joints in his hat, he figured that would be a good place for them. After a while, he began to look for his joints. He couldn't find them. He looked in his hat, nothing there. He looked down on the ground and saw them. So he kinda picked them up on the sly (his word) and took my mother home.

On the way home, he was driving a Volkswagen, but had to get off on the side of the road because two jerks were drag racing.

The next day, he, my mother and my grandmother went shopping. All my dad could think of was getting back home and going to sleep. After a long day on his feet, my dad and mom went home. My dad had just sat down and gotten to sleep when my mother shook him and said, "It's time."

My father's reply, "Time for what?"

So my dad took my mom to the hospital. The doctor that was working had been in school with my uncle, so they talked for a while. But the doctor that my dad knew went off of rotation. So my dad was sitting in the room with my mom when he saw some guy in a trench coat that looked like Columbo. My dad, thinking this guy was a peeping tom went outside to confront the Columbo-looking guy.

Just before my dad punched this dude's lights out, he found out that this was the doctor.

I was born.

Then my dad was holding me and walking down the hallway. The Columbo-looking doctor told my dad that I was a very good looking son. My dad asked the doctor what he was going to do now that he was done for the day. The doctor told him that he was going to go home, take a shower, take a nap and hopefully get laid.


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