The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Friday, April 29, 2005

The Smith Family--Michael, Leigh, Aidan, Isaac, Samuel, and Lucy

Known Since--Fall 2002
Reside--Fayetteville, AR

I am sitting here trying to write this after just watching a local news report which profiled Michael and Leigh after making the long trip to China to adopt little Lucy. It's difficult to write because after watching the story, I am crying. Words really can't describe how happy I am for them.

Michael and Leigh are part of the reason that I still live in NW Arkansas. In fact, they were an answered prayer for me. I had just moved here in the fall of 2002 and was trying to find some people I had common interests in. I signed up to try and find a community group with Fellowship Bible Church. There are quite a few community groups in Fayetteville. But one day I went home and found a message from Michael calling me about coming to a community group. I went that next Tuesday and knew that I had found the right place. They welcomed me into their home like they knew me for years.

Michael and Leigh are like the older siblings that everyone wishes that they have.

They have raised three great sons in Aidan, Isaac, and Samuel. They all give out hugs to anyone and everyone who happens to be at the Smith house around bedtime. Aidan is so smart, he rattles of trivia and always wants to learn something new. Isaac is so funny and has a special dance whenever Scott Rolen hits a home run. And I am proud that I have now taught Samuel to raise his hands and say "You want some of this?" whenever I see him.

And now they have adopted Lucy. Lucy is beautiful and will no doubt be smothered in love.

Their journey was prayer filled and a long time coming. The went over to pick her up a couple of weeks ago. Whenever they got back, Aidan had an asthma attack and had to go into the hospital for almost a week. The fatigue they must have felt, the fear they must have felt, I can only imagine. But they got through it like they get through everything, with a prayerful resolve and a focus on Christ's love.

They are wonderful people. I consider them like a surrogate family here in NWA.

And I am a better person for knowing them.

How to Lose IQ Points in 25 Seconds or Less

(Let me preface this by saying: I have no problem with most people being happy and doing whatever it is that makes them happy. More power to them, but this is ridiculous. I don't understand the magnetism that people have towards this woman.)

I usually read the USA Today everyday. Yesterday was no different. I was glancing at the Purple (LIFE) page and reading about Tom Cruise hooking up with Katie Holmes, Jerry Seinfield's party for a fake author and the latest book reviews. I also noticed there was some article on Paris Hilton. I normally don't read up on Paris because, well, I just don't care. But I was really bored yesterday afternoon and read the article.

After reading it, I actually think I lost a few IQ points it was so dumb. So, in the interest of being fair, I think everyone else should lose a few IQ points too so I won't be at a decided disadvantage.

From USA Today about meeting her boyfriend who also happens to be named Paris

"Paris and I met when he was 14 and I was 16," she said, "I had this fake tattoo on my back, and he came up to me and was like, 'Is that real?' and I totally lied and said, 'Yeah.' He's like, 'That's hot,' and I'm like, 'I know.' Then he said, 'My name's Paris,' and I said, 'My name's Paris.' Then we danced all night."

I can only hope that one day I will polish my writing skills enough to write a story half as interesting as that.

Let me tell you something, if a pair of kids with the exact same name like that can't make it in this crazy, mixed-up world, then who can?

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Brittany "Booty" Benson--Baby Sister, Special Ed Teacher, Future Mayor of Bowling Green, KY

Resides--Owensboro, KY
Known Since--October 28,1980

I remember the first time I was told that I had a little sister named Brittany. It was 1980, and I had just turned 3 a few weeks before. In fact, this is one of the first memories I have.

My granny told me that I had a little sister and I laid down on her kitchen floor and cried and cried that I didn't want a little sister.

It's funny now that I think about it.My sister Brittany has been my arch-nemesis, coconspirator, and best friend as long as I can remember.

Growing up she tagged along a lot. It was pretty annoying back then. She couldn't hang with me and Jeremy, so she would run home crying because she was hurt or we wouldn't let her do something. Usually I would be scolded and she would have her revenge.

I can still remember her with her blond hair playing with some Rainbow Brite dolls on the swing out back.

I can still remember when she was just learning to talk and I was the only person that understood what she was saying. I was like a UN translator negotiating Happy Meals and toys between my sister and my parents.

Now that we are grown-up, I realize how blessed I am to have her as a sister. Usually whenever I am home, we start picking on each other. Finally, after my mother has listened to us argue enough, she scolds us. Britt and I usually start laughing and then start to gang up and argue with her. It's weird how brothers and sisters can team up so well. We can argue and fight and make fun of each other incessantly, but the minute someone says something about the other, we take up arms for each other.

We are very different though.

Brittany is naturally outgoing and talkative. I am not. Brittany is friendly and always has a smile on her face. I do not. Brittany is wild and crazy. I am more reserved.

She is an extraordinary person. She teaches special education and hopes to soon work in Charleston, SC teaching. I am excited for her about the prospect of moving somewhere exciting a new. I think it will be great for her.

She is my baby sister, and she always will be.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Chuck Klosteman--Must Read Author and Connoisseur of All Things Pop

Resides--NYC, Maybe, I don't know
Known Since--Reading his first column in Esquire a year or so ago

I buy Esquire every month. I think it is one of the best magazines out there that is funny, stylish, and filled with thought provoking writing.

That being said, every month I buy an issue. And every month the first page I turn to is the monthly column Chuck Klosterman's America.

Klosterman writes about very serious topics like fidelity, community, and mindlessness using parables and analogies that include HBO's reality series Family Bonds, Zack Morris of Saved by the Bell fame, and obscure and trendy music. He lightens the mood and makes you think.

Usually I will read his column a couple of times. Usually I laugh out loud with each reading.

I loved his columns so much that when I found his social commentary book Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, I bought it immediately and read through it in a relatively short time.

There is this line from Good Will Hunting which I quote almost all the time whenever I go into most bookstores.

Will says, "You people astound me, you surround yourself with books but they're the wrong f'ing books."

Chuck is on the last of people that I root for B&N to put out in front of the store and try to sell. Also on this list is Steve Yarbrough, Jonathan Tropper, and Wendell Berry. Donald Miller used to be on that list, but it seems that he is getting a much deserved push right now.

Every time I go to the bookstore, I always tell myself I want to read something that moves me. Chuck Klosterman can move me. Usually with a couple of obscure laughs and then a frying pan to the head.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Wise Men Say

A few months ago I was in Cincinnati on business. I was only an hour or two away. I had her number in my cellphone. I had a nice hotel room. I was tempted to call her. I was tempted to ask her to come and see me.

But a few weeks ago I finally did it. I went through my phone book on my cellphone and erased numbers. I erased a number that I had dialed a few times in the past year in times of weakness and loneliness. I would always end up feeling worse after I would talk to her.

Like I was playing blackjack, and doubled down on 11, only to get thrown a 3 of clubs on the next card.

She hurt me good, that's for sure. She ruined the memories that I had of her. As I have explained to my friends while drinking too much--she ripped my heart out like an ancient Aztec ritual.

But as much as I could never really forgive her, it is myself that I can't forgive. I can't forgive myself for falling for her again. I can't forgive myself for dreaming of her still, of seeing her walking down the bread aisle at the Supercenter and following after her only to realize it is not her at. I can't forgive myself for looking for jobs in her town. I can't forgive myself for letting her hurt me. I can't forgive myself all the poems I have written about her and for her, and I can only hope that she threw them away.

The truth is I wonder, if I will ever forgive myself. If I will ever be able to accept the fact that this has happened. If the dreams will ever go away for good.

I have met someone recently, and she taken my breath away. She is beautiful, smart, and has a smile that I could set my watch to.

And the thing that I am worried about is if I can put my heart back out on my sleeve. If the hurt is worth the risk.

My heart and head have opposite votes, and all these scars are the tiebreakers...