The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Thursday, July 28, 2005

Catch My Disease

There is this song, Catch My Disease, that I have been hearing a lot lately. I woke up a few nights ago, and on the TV Ben Lee, the emo/pop singer from Down Under, was singing his catchy little song. Last night, I was walking through Target to get some saline solution, Ben Lee singing his happy little catchy tune. I am on hold with a client, guess what song comes on the phone.

I can't go anywhere without hearing this song.

It's a really catchy song, in that annoying, fun way. But when I listen to the lyrics a little bit, it is a disturbing song about transmitting a blood sucking and face eating ebola like virus.

So please
baby please
Open your heart
Catch my disease

If that is not enough, the most distubing part of the song is up next.

She drank beer with coca-cola
and that's the way I like it
and that's the way I like it

I mean, come on, beer with coca-cola. Both a great and refreshing, but together, mixed up with all ebola virus, Ben Lee is gonna have quite the tummy ache.

So what does this all mean?

I am not sure, but never trust an Australian.

Born To Be Wild!

"You'll never take me in alive, copper!!!"

Yesterday, I made a nice little donation to the Madison County Sheriff's Department. They were really nice about it too. Since I was wearing my seatbelt, they gave me ten bucks back. Also, with my donation, they have promised not to issue any warrants for me, which I am thankful for.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Long Jump Like A Mario Brother

If anyone ever calls you and asks you about me. This is the template that you should use when describing me.

By the way, I found this on Google Image Search and this picture looks like a future wallpaper on my laptop...

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Weirdsville, U.S.A

(I have no idea why this stuff happens to me!)

I had a headache from the time I woke up, which by the way was extremely late, yesterday. It was right at the front of my head. At one point I wondered, well maybe I could drill a little hole in my head and that would squeeze out a little bit of the pressure.

Well, unfortunately for me, I didn't have a drill with me.

I traveled over to Harrison, Arkansas to do some service calls on a couple of clients. Both places I went didn't help my headache. If you have ever been in a cement block plant, you will understand why it didn't help. Imagine getting a couple of jackhammers in a bathroom, miking the up and turning the amps up to 11 and you will know what it is like to be in a block plant.

So after I got done with my service calls, I decided to stop at the local Wal-Mart store and get something for this headache.

I walked over to the pain reliever aisle. I stood there trying to make a decision on whether to get the Aleve or Tylenol. I eventually decided on the Aleve and started to walk up to check-out to pay.

Well, evidently, in the Harrison Wal-Mart, the pain reliever aisle also doubles as the birth control aisle. This guy tapped me on the shoulder and asks me, "Which on would you recommend?"

I turned around to face him and noticed that he has two boxes in his hand.

I did my patented "Lafe Benson, Are You Talking to Me?" look, which consists of glances over each shoulder and a look of befuddlement on my face.

He repeated himself, "You got any suggestions?"

I didn't know what to say. Here I am with the world's largest headache and some weird 40-something guy wearing a Ron Jon Surf T-shirt is asking my opinion on rubbers. I figured my best plan of action was to stammer.

"Well, uh, I'm not, uh, really an expert on, uh."

"I hear these new ones are extra-sensitive, what do you think?" He said.

Evidently, my stuttering and stammering did not convey the message that I felt really awkward with the entire conversation. So I repeated myself.

"Yeah, man, I, uh, guess, uh, those are, uh,"

He smiled at me and then laughed, "Yeah, I think you are right. I think I'll get these. Thanks for the help." And he patted me on the shoulder.

I stood in the pain reliever/birth control aisle in the Harrison, AR Wal-Mart and thought to myself, wow, what just happened? I looked around to see if anyone had seen this conversation. I thought of maybe going to the manager to see if I could watch a surveillance tape to see if what I thought had just happened really did. But what I really wondered was why in the world everyone on this planet, especially Wal-Mart shoppers, have this urge to talk to me.

I walked up to the front and paid for my Aleve and decided I also needed a Dr. Pepper. The lady working the register said, "Thank you, please come again."

Not a chance, lady, I thought.