The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Saturday, August 27, 2005

Holy Snikes

I miss Chris Farley.

He was definition of a contradiction. He was both awkward and charming. He was both funny and sad. He possessed a child-like innocence, but it was easy to see the demons inside him.

On Friday, Hollywood gave Chris Farley his due and gave him a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Chris Rock, Adam Sandler, and David Spade showed up to say a few words about their dear old friend and SNL alumni. Chris Rock said that every fat comedian owes Farley 80 bucks.

Thursday, August 25, 2005


I love Northwest Arkansas, I love where I live. That's why I live here.

But there is one thing I really hate about living in Fayetteville. For about 3 months, during the late Summer and early Fall, the water "turns."

We get our water from a big lake to the east of us. They say, though I am a bit skeptical of this explaination, that the top water mixes with the bottom water and kicks up a bunch of dirt and other crap. Supposedly, that is why our water tastes like the above picture looks.

The worst is that you can smell it when you take a shower. Luckily, if you use some strong scented laundry detergent, you won't smell it in your clothes.

So for the next few months, I will only drink something from a bottle. I will only use ice that comes from a store.

The funny thing is, I travel around and Northwest Arkansas is the only place where the water tastes really bad.

So if you will allow me a plug for my favorite water...




Pond scum free...



Today is my mom's birthday, sort of.

You see, last year my parents were going to the Bahamas for work, which must be really tough. My mom handed the airport official her driver's license and her birth certificate. The airport official asked her which birthday was right, the one on her license or the one on her birth certificate.

She looked and found two different birthdays.

On her license, it said August 25, which she has celebrated as her birthday her entire life.

On her birth certificate, it said August 23.

So I have been kidding her that if it is on her birth certificate, it is her official birthday.

I sent her some flowers on Monday with a card that read: "Happy 48th Birthday Mom!!! As long as your birth certificate is wrong, you might as well roll back the odometer a few years too!!!"

She said that instead of rolling the odometer back 10 years, she would rather roll it up a few years so she can get her social security benefits.

Monday, August 22, 2005

The Most Perfect Sandwich

Tonight, I was feeling a bit hungry around 9:45. I realized that the only thing that I had for dinner was a cup of decaf coffee. So, what would I make. I noticed I had a hamburger patty and some Texas Toast. Oh, sure, I could have made myself a salad and it owuld have been much better for me. But no, I decided to make the best patty melt ever. No rye bread here. Just thick bread covered in butte, lots of cheese, and a 1/3 lb grilled burger. Broiled to perfection.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Civic Pride

My hometown Little League is playing in the Little League World Series today against Drew's hometown Little League.

Go Boro, beat them Cajuns!

As of me posting this, the game is on ESPN and Owensboro has taken a 2-0 lead...

Buy The Ticket, Take The Ride

Hunter S. Thompson committed suicide earlier this year, but yesterday, he finally was laid to rest in a quite unusual way. His ashes were shot off in fireworks by Johnny Depp and others in
. Thompson,one of my favorite writers and fellow Kenuckian, had a well-known affinity for guns and blowing stuff up.

I guess this is how he wanted to go, probably wouldn't have been my choice, but hey, to each their own.

As an Australian paper's headline said, "Crackers To The End, Goodbye, Gonzo!"