The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Thursday, September 22, 2005

The Best A Man Can Get

Another vastly fascinating story about my life and shaving.

So Gillette has introduced a the new Fusion razor blade, or as I shall call it, THE CINCO. Five Blades! That's like 66% better than my three blade razor. I can't wait.

It is nice to know that when the cold war ended and the razor blade companies picked up the slack of an all pissing contest. Now every year, there will be a new razor with one more razor blade to give us men a closer shave.

A quick sidenote on shaving--Tonight, I tried shaving with soap instead of shaving cream. It was a regular facial bar and I lathered it up very thick. It was quite smooth.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

My Weird Habit/Compulsive Disorder

I don't have many little quirks or picadillies, but I do have this thing with socks.

Every week whenever I go to Wal-Mart to buy groceries, I stop and buy a 6 pack of Jerzee's White No-Show Socks for $3.47. I don't really know why, I just have this strange little thing with socks. The reason is two fold.

#1. I lose socks.

#2. I hate dirty socks, and even though I try to clean them, they never feel as good as socks do the first time you put them on.

The few people that know the deep shame and misery of my sock habit make fun of me for it.

Anyone else have any of these weird little quirks? Anyone else a sock freak like me?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Willantha's First Jeep Ride

I got a phone call while I was frustrated and banging my head up against a wall. I didn't hear the phone ring, actually it was on silent so I didn't feel it. When I got done banging my head against the wall and a solution arrived pretty much out of thin air, I did my paperwork and checked my messages. I had a message from Willantha. Or as I called her, W, in a previous post. Her message said that she was in Fayetteville, she had applied for a job at the Hospital and that she was trying to find a ride back to Siloam Springs.

I called her back but just go her voicemail. I left her a message to give me a call. When I finally heard back from her, she said she was at the old Hospital because that is where the Human Resources office is now at. She didn't have a way back to Siloam. I told her I would be there in 30 minutes.

While battling traffic down to Fayetteville, it took me a little bit longer than I thought. But I got there.

I pulled up right next to the bench that she was sitting at. She pursed her lips and put her hands on her hips and looked at my Jeep with the top down.

"I believe I am gonna enjoy this ride," She laughed.

We stopped and got a coke. She ate some on my lunch that I packed that I never did get a chance to eat.

We took the "back way"(Highway 16) to Siloam Springs, We talked about her getting a job. We talked about New Orleans. She asked me again "where I fellowship." What a great way to ask someone which church they go to. I gave her the lowdown on Northwest Arkansas. I tried to answer all of the questions she had.

When I dropped her off back at the campground the security guards were kidding Willantha that she was always riding in style. She smiled and said, "Yeah, I certainly am enjoying this ride. Sun on my face, wind in my hair. Yes, sir, Style."

Monday, September 19, 2005

Enjoying Nature's Splendor

We are currently having a little bit of an issue at our house with plumbing. Water won't really drain and toilets won't flush. Not sure what is wrong, but we have a call into a plumber, who hopefully knows a little bit more than two things about plumbing. (If you have never heard the plumber joke about the two things you need to know to be a plumber, ask a plumber, he will tell you.)

So we have had to do a little bit of improvising.

When I have drank too much Dr. Pepper and feel the urge, I open up the back door and walk out near the fence.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, sweet relief.

Not much like peeing outside if you are a man. You don't have to worry about aim. You just go. Unless you are standing in snow, then you have to worry about spelling your name. Which I can't do. But I have almost perfected a cursive "L" to mark my spot.

It's a wonderful feeling. Just ask Max McGooden. That boy will go anywhere. Nate has taught him well.

So I am officially announcing that September 20th as National Pee Outside Day. This will be the first such celebration. Hopefully by next year we can somehow find someone in the federal government to recognize the day as a holiday. I mean come on, today was National Talk Like A Pirate Day, so anything can happen.

So unbatten down your hatches men, and yo ho ho, walk the plank and do your business. Arrgghhh!!!

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Burn Down The Trailer Park

If you have never seen Paul Thorn, you are missing a great showman.

I went to see him last night at the AMP with Robert Earl Keen's Texas Uprising Tour. I was excited about getting to see Robert Earl Keen and Charlie Robison, but I paid my 20 bucks to see Paul.

As Paul described it onstage, "I know I ain't a big name like Charlie Robison or Robert Earl Keen. I know that. But I am like the ugly girl at the school dance standing next to the wall. I ain't that good looking, but if you get me in the back of a car, in the dark, and you give me a chance, it's pure ecstasy."

He tells stories. He is like an uncle who always tells the same stories, over and over again. But you still pull up a chair to take a listen. You still laugh at the same joke. You still smile when he smiles.

He used to be a professional boxer and tells a story about how he wrote a song about fighting Roberto Duran. About how Duran just absolutely demolished him, but Thorn hit Duran enough that he opened up a gash on his forehead. Thorn lost, but he smiled and said, "I bet I am the only person here that rode in an ambulance with Roberto Duran."

Thorn is a great showman, but he is an even better songwriter. He writes songs that deal with the white-trashy side of like. Songs like "Burn Down The Trailer Park" and "Two Dogs In Heat."

He writes songs about that are funny. Songs like "Great Day To Whoop Somebody's Ass" and "Mission Temple Fireworks Stand."

He writes songs about redemption and grace. Some of my favorites are "800 lb Jesus" and "Downtown Babylon."

But Paul's best songs are his sad songs. He didn't really play the sad songs last night, and I guess I understand why. Because his songs are heart-wrenching. "Give Them Their Roses" is about the regrets that everyone has because we just didn't do anything. "Star That Fell Down" is maybe my favorite. It is about a girl from Tupelo that moved to Hollywood to find her dream, but just found sadness. Paul Always makes you feel better, because whatever problems there are in life, he knows where you have been.

If you ever get a chance, go see him live, you will have a fun time. I promise.

And if you want some good music, pick-up one of his albums, you won't be disappointed.

The Perfect Sunday Morning

I love Sunday Mornings. I love sleeping in and not having to worry about getting to church on time, what to wear, and all the traffic. I would be very disappointed if my church started having Sunday morning services, because it would mix everything up for me.

This morning was perfect, here is the rundown.

Woke up without an alarm clock, that's a great feeling.

I had a nice cold glass of water and read all my newspapers online, while watching CMT's Wide Open Country, alt. country/whatever music videos.

I set up all my fantasy football league teams while talking on the phone with my two best friends, John and Adam.

Then I went to the gym and ran a few miles on the treadmill. I kinda tweaked my right calf, though. Figures, the one day I remember to stretch, I pull something.

Come back home, turn on some football, stretch out and close my eyes for a second.

Next thing I know, it is two in the afternoon.