The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Pet Peeve Thursday

So, I was in line for the Arvest ATM (or as I call it, a MAC machine, it's a Kentucky thing...) in Rogers at noon. I started to listen to a Dave Matthews song. It was a long song. Maybe 7 minutes long. And in front of me, a woman in an SUV took 7 minutes to complete a transaction. 7 minutes!!!

She was shoving envelopes in the machine. She was pushing buttons like she worked at McDonald's. At one point, she took a look at the piece of paper that the ATM shot out, and then she pushed more numbers and tried to shove a couple of quarter rolls into the card reader.

Here is the thing, if you pull up to an ATM, it should take you 1 minute tops. Here is the thing. You pull up, you get your card out before you get to the machine, you put in your numbers and you hit a button to give you money. That's it, that's the list. You don't deposit money in a ATM. You don't transfer money at an ATM. You don't check balances at an ATM. You just get money out of it. You do it quick. It's not that difficult.

I timed myself. 34.64 seconds. That's two NASCAR stops. And I probably could have gotten it quicker if I hadn't asked for 30 bucks instead of 20.

Can someone please explain to me why people want to deposit money, transfer money from savings into a money market account, order pizzas, and buy stamps at an ATM

Monday, October 17, 2005

Everyone's Playing Tag

And everyone keeps tagging me to write all this stuff. Which I will. But not like everyone else's. Here is my list of stuff, mostly untrue but hopefully creative...

10 years ago...

I just turned 18, a glorious age that one can finally run away and join the circus. The funny thing about joining the circus is that you start with the bad jobs. I cleaned up elephant dung, which isn't as bad as you would think in the winter. It freezes rather quickly and is easy to scoop up. I did this for a few months until there was a unfortunate accident with knife throwing show. It seems Vincent the Great was hopped up on crazy pills and threw a knife while his beautiful and talented assistant Meredith was twirling around on a bullseye. Vincent wasn't supposed to hit the bullseye, unfortunately he did. Now the bearded lady, Tom, wouldn't get up on the bullseye because she was afraid that her beard might get accidentally cut off. So I was drafted to ride the bullseye. But before I had knives thrown at me, I promised myself two things: make sure Vincent doesn't take anymore crazy pills and the moment one of those knives gets close to "Mr. Belvedere" I would quit. I only worked there for 5 more days. So, I hitchhiked my way across the country. I ended up in L.A. and while drinking a latte at Starbucks, I somehow found my way into a job as CNN's legal analyst during the O.J. case. I was the one that jumped up in the air when O.J. was announced to be innocent and quoted the Communist Manifesto. CNN said it was unprofessional and fired me rather quickly. I was quickly signed to a long term TV deal with VH1.

5 Years Ago...

While waiting on my application to be accepted to NASA, I worked at a small tattoo parlor in the middle of Las Vegas. I started off slowly, I would color in a few tattoos here, a few tattoos there. Then I got to start drawing more and more. Eventually, I would come to create some of the most brilliant looking tattoos in the country. I was even on the cover of one of those magazines that everyone always see at Barnes and Noble and thinks, wow, that is one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen done with a human body. My biggest failing was not my designs, I was like a Picasso with a tattoo needle. No, my biggest fault was my inability to spell at a 3rd grade level and accidentally misspelled "I ROB CONVENIENCE STORES FOR FUN!!!" on a big biker dude. I spelled "I BOB CONVVVVENCE PORES MORES TON!!!" The big bad biker dude almost beat me to death, luckily for me, I have two kidneys and didn't need that one that was bleeding profusely. Unfortunately, NASA requires two kidneys for all their astronauts, so I didn't get into the program. Bummer...

1 Year Ago...

Last year I worked the Al Sharpton presidential bid. After a total of 5 days campaigning, the presidential bid was over. I made a small fortune in witty political t-shirts that said, "Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Al Sharpton!" I quickly blew my entire fortune from t-shirts investing in stores that sold nothing but breakfast cereal. I lived on Honey Nut Cheerios for months...


I got in fight with manager of a McDonald's in Little Rock, Arkansas when I popped off the Monopoly pieces only to find two Main Streets as pieces. I kindly explained to the manager that there was no such thing as a Main Street in Monopoly. He begged to differ. I then planted a plastic tray into the side of his face. I misjudged the strength of the plastic tray because all it did was make him angry. He pulled me over the counter and tried drown me underneath the coke machine. I reached over his shoulder and threw him against the McFlurry machine. I could see out of the corner of my eyes a small 13 year old McDonald's employee running towards me with a fry basket. I don't know what happened to me after he hit me over the top of the head. But I woke up in the Pulaski Co. Jail with a headache and an basket imprint on my bald head.

5 Snacks I Love...

Beef Jerky
Turkey Jerky
Cheese Jerky
Tuna Jerky
Steak (Stolen From Esther)

5 Songs I Know The Words To...

Barry Manillow's "I Write The Songs"
Rage Against The Machine's "Pocket Full Of Shells"
The Theme Song To "ALF"
Soft Cell's "Tainted Love"
Snoop Doggy Dog's "Gin And Juice"

5 Things I Would Do With a Million Dollars...

Go to the bank and exchange it for 100 million pennies
Make 100 million wishes in a wishing well
Buy a really cool necklace
Shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die
Hire a guy to release a dozen doves and blow an ancient Viking horn every time I enter a room

5 Places I Would Run To...

Prairie Grove
Nova Scotia
A Treadmill
To Wherever The World's Largest Frying Pan Is

5 Favorite TV Shows

The Tony Danza Show
This Old House Reruns
Prescription Drug Commercials
KNWA Weather
Univision Soap Operas

5 Biggest Joys...

Beating 3rd graders at a game of Horse
Microwaving CD's upside down
The smell of belly button lent

5 Toys...

#2 Pencils
Home Shaved Ice Machine
Nerf Footballs
My Bentley
Bonsai Plant

5th Line of My 23rd Blog...

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." I was writing about a bad experience with a Fry Daddy...

I hope a few people are still reading this. My only hope is that I made a few people laugh. And hopefully made John Nelson pee himself...

Freedom Has a Scent Like The Top of a Newborn Baby's Head

This is my friends, the Chambers Family. Julie, little Lynah Anne, and my buddy Matt.

Lynah is just a beautiful baby girl. Julie says that she already has a sweet voice.

I went to visit them at the hospital this afternoon. Matt was busy on his laptop trying to get some work done while Julie was nursing. Matt was complaining about work, as per usual. But when he got to hold his little girl, he went to all smiles. He showed me how to hold her, even though I already knew, I let him tell me. Julie made me wash my hands before I held Lynah. I scrubbed those hands like I was about to perform surgery.

I held her, she burped, a lot. I tried to smell of her head. In a U2 song, Bono sings about how freedom smells like the top of a newborn baby's head. I smelled and smelled. Matt asked me if I was trying to prove the Bono Theory. He put a little sock cap on her. It was white and had pink lettering stitched in it that simply said, "Love Me." Matt said he would soon be oiling his shotgun to run off all the boys chasing after his daughter.

I had a little talk with her. I told her that her mom is a sweetheart and will do anything in the world. I told her to listen to her well. I also told Lynah that her dad is really just a big softy. I told her that he is kind of grumpy, but he means well. And that someday, when she gets older, she will be able to wrap her dad around her little pinky, then I explained what a pinky was. I don't think she understood so I wrapped my index finger around her pinky. So small, so fragile.

Lynah got a bit fussy so I gave her back to Julie. Matt and I went down to the cafeteria. Matt is amazed at the amount of junk food and high energy drinks at the hospital. He also told me of a bad experience with getting a chicken sandwich out of a Tyson Vending machine. He said that chicken should not come out of a machine. I disagreed, it would be okay if it was on a stick. I told him now that he was a father, he was gonna have to tell his young daughter these words of wisdom.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

This City of Tragedy

Heroes from Jack In The Pulpit--This is a great song by the small indy band Jack In The Pulpit, you ought to buy this album.

I want to write something tonight, but I am really really tired. I spent the entire weekend on the road with Andrew Steger. We went to see the LSU-Florida game with his dad and one of his friends. Saturday was a 23 hour day. We drove back from Little Rock today, and I had to go straight to The Greenhouse.

There were many stories and many funny things we saw. But by far, the most memorable person was an LSU fan that was sitting two rows in front of us. Keep in mind that we were in the Florida player's families section. This guy was drinking something in a Sprite bottle that I don't think was Sprite. This guy was blitzed out of his gourd. He might be the most drunk/high person I have ever seen. I think he was so drunk that he was a strange mixture of pure rage and pure ecstasy. He would just scream this blood curdling scream and look back at everyone in the Florida section. He then would chant "tiger bait." A few of the Florida fans would laugh at him and then he would apologize, do a medieval bow, and then offer anyone some of his Sprite.

At one point he was tossed out of the game for being rowdy. They let him back in, why I have no idea. But he came back and just started yelling like a crazed man with Tourette's. He actually used the F bomb in every single way that the English language allows.

"This F'n F complained cause I F'n say F! I can say F' any F' time I want. It's the F'n first amendment. I can F'n stand, I don't give a F!" Long pause. "I am F'n sorry, I don't mean to offend anyone, I just paid 80 dollars to come in here and have a F'n good time." Long pause then the bow. "Y'all want some of my drink?" Then he high fived a girl who was really uncomfortable with having to be in the seat behind this guy.