The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Pretty Little Pet

I have never had a pet. A lot of people tell me it is sad that I have never had a pet. People act as though my life is somehow incomplete because I have never had a pet. Some people think I just hate animals.

But it is not that I dislike animals, it is not that at all. I like animals just fine. It is just that I have never had a pet. My sister had a cat when we were kids. And once, we had a stray dog that kept coming to our house for a month or two. But it just never occurred to me to ask my parents for a dog. Sometimes, I think it would be kind of cool to have a dog, but it just seems like too much of a hassle.

If I were to get a dog, it would have to be an old lazy dog. One that was quiet and wouldn't sniff every single crouch that it came with 3 feet nose to crotch proximity.

Or maybe a cat. My friends have a cat, Ike, that enjoys running around chasing a laser light. That would kind of cool for a while. Or maybe just a peacock. How cool would that be?

I have no desire for any fish. No snakes or reptile or anything weird like that. I don't want one of those little pigs. I have never rode a horse much less cared about horses unless they hit a trifecta in "The Derby."

I guess I am just not a pet kind of guy. Does that make me a sadder human being? I don't think so. I think it just means I am the kind of person that enjoys urine stain free carpets, not spending my hard earned money on vet bills, and not picking up feces left in the yard, couch, kitchen counter, and on bedspreads.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

A Hallucination Free Christmas

If you didn't hear, I was sick for the holidays. (Please do not boycott my blog for the use of holidays...)

I had the flu. I was pretty much in bed for the better part of three days. I was on all kinds of over the counter drugs that warned me not to drive heavy equipment or drink alcohol while taking. (Quick question: is there any medication in which drinking alcohol is actually encouraged?) I also used these Sudafed shower tablets that helped me breathe but were so strong all my chest hair was burnt off and my toenails melted a little bit.

So I didn't get to go home for Christmas. I slept a lot, I didn't eat any food for almost three days straight, and I didn't have one strange dream or hallucination. What gives?

I kind of like it when you are sick and feel bad and taking all kinds of medications and you realize that you have spent the last five minutes talking to an imaginary fox that is living in your pantry closet. I like talking to the little angel and devil on my shoulders like in the movies.

Nothing. Stone cold sober and sleepy. I even watched every episode of Lost and no bad dreams or weird things happened to me. What gives?

When I had my wisdom teeth taken out not only did I figure out the meaning of life while being put under, I also cried like a baby because of an imaginary dog when they were walking me back outside after the surgery. A few days later and a dozen or so Loratabs later I went out with a friend to go see Romeo and Juliet. The new version. The one that is trippy without the pain pills. By the end of the movie I had a popcorn box over my head cringing behind movie seat and being totally fascinated by the stickiness of the movie theater floor.

So what's all this mean, I don't know. I just wish I would have had one of those weird dreams when I was sick. It would have made my illness a bit more interesting and I would have had that imaginary fox to talk to...