The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Thursday, March 23, 2006

Adventures In Tanning

With Jason and Cindy's wedding coming up this weekend, and I have been worrying about something: my bald head.

Since I am bald, I wear a Red Sox ball cap most of the time. It keeps my head warm during the cold winters and during the summers it keeps the sun out of my eyes and keeps most of the sweat out of my eyes too. It also keeps many of the stares down to a minimum. So many women see my slick and shaven head and always pester me with pleads to rub my bald head. have to wear a hat or I am mobbed on the streets by beautiful women. What can I say, it's not easy to be a sex symbol.

But I can't wear a hat to a wedding.

So what am I going to do. Well, I don't mind going hatless. It's all right. I am fine with my baldness. I have accepted it and come to turns with the fact that I will never have a full head of hair again.

But since I haven't gotten any sun on my head lately, it is very, very white. The worst is on the side of my head because I still have hair that grows on the sides. So it always seems to be a lot paler than the top of my head. I call it the whitewall effect.

So I decided I needed to do something about this. I don't want to blind anyone at a wedding with the glare from my head. I thought maybe about wearing a wig to cover up the glare. But instead I decided to do something about the paleness of my head.

I went tanning yesterday.

I have never been in a tanning booth before. I walked in to my apartment office (we get tanning for free) where there were two rather attractive girls working the desk. I stammered that I needed to go tanning because I had a wedding to go to this weekend. They both looked at me kind of funny. I then admitted that I had never been tanning before. I must have looked like a little lost dog to these girls.

"How long do you want to go?"

"I don't know."

She looked at me to check out how pale I was. I am pretty pale. She suggested that I go for 6 minutes or so. She handed me this really, really small towel which I had no idea what it was for. She told me to go to room number #1 and start tanning. I looked at her blankly.

"I am serious, I have no idea what to do."

She led me down to the little room. She started to rattle off instructions. Clean the bed before and after. Hit the little green button when you are ready to turn it on. Make sure to turn on the fan or your will feel like you are in an oven. I looked at her blankly again. She repeated the instructions. I repeated them to her quickly.

"Clean before and after, green button, fan, 6 minutes..."

"Yup," she said, "good luck."

That made me nervous. Good luck? Why do I need luck to tan? Am I going to look like a Thanksgiving turkey when I come out?

I closed the door. I got some paper towels and some cleaning solution and wiped down the entire bed. Then I got the Lysol and sprayed it all over the bed. After wiping the Lysol of the tanning bed, I went for the cleaning solution one more time. I figured I cleaned it pretty good.

The next dilemma was what to wear. I thought for a second about stripping all the way. Then, I began to imagine the worst sunburn I have ever had. Then I imagined said worst sunburn on the worst possible spot on my body that I could think of. After a minute of wincing with just that thought, I decided to just strip down to my boxers.

I laid down in the tanning bed. Okay, I thought, this isn't so bad. I pulled the cover down. Okay, still not too bad. It was kind of like getting an MRI. I suddenly remembered that I didn't have any of those funny little glasses. Well, I figured I could just close my eyes. I also remembered to turn on the fan next to me.

All right, now that I remembered everything, I hit the little green button.

The lights flickered on. Wow, those things sure are bright. Even with my eyes closed, I could still see some of the light. I finally let my mind wander on the entire experience. I imagined that I was one of Kenny Roger's roasted chickens. I could feel the heat bearing down on me. I remembered that my entire purpose was to get my head some sun so I took the pillow that my head had been resting on and threw it to the ground.

It seemed like I was in there for an eternity. Finally, the bed beeped and the lights turned out. I opened up the bed and got out. I looked in the mirror, and to my enjoyment, my head had gotten some color into it. I hadn't turned into a Kenny Roger's chicken. Truthfully, I couldn't tell much of a difference.

The only difference I could tell is that I felt as vain as I ever have in my life. Would this tanning bed trend turn me into a different person? Would I start to wear gold medallions? Would I start to show off my chest hair more and more? Would I feel an urge to wear jogging suits and buy a Camero?

I wiped down the bed again. I put on my clothes. I walked out to see my roommate laughing at me. He thought it was funny. Truth is I thought it was funny too. Luckily, the urge to find any sports car in an issue of Car Trader either was negligible or past too quickly for me to act on it.

I am ashamed of myself. I can't believe I went to a tanning bed. I felt so weird.

And the worst part, I am going back tonight.


Blogger Brett said...

I knew this dude about 10 years ago that must've gone about 6 times a day because he always looked UNNATURALLY tan, even in the winter. We used to make fun of him behind his back... poor guy.

As long as you don't turn out like him, you'll probably be fine.

I've never been either - but some people seem to think I should... it seems that my natural skin color is basically a shade of off-white.

6:04 PM  
Blogger Drew Caperton said...

You whities need to get together and form a club - "Coconut Sno-cones" or something very white like that.

8:11 AM  
Blogger john pelphrey said...

Haven't you ever heard of self tanner? Just rub the stuff on your shinny head and you can avoid the tanning bed. Just be careful and follow the directions. You wouldn't want to turn into a pumpkin.

11:18 AM  
Anonymous Kelly Dew said...

Bruno would be good nick name for you. watching the Saprano's will help you. go for the larger gold chain. forget the camero,so 1980. go for the El'Camino.yeah. Tanning can provide a whole new lifestyle. tips: don't use those goggles, and moisturize. keeps from peeling. kelly

11:59 AM  
Blogger David said...

I think you're one of the funniest people I know...

10:39 PM  
Blogger Sheila said...

Welcome to the Fake-Bake world--It's really quite theraputic. : )

9:48 PM  
Blogger Adam said...

It's no wonder you asked me something about sun and tanning or whatever it was... you're a virgin.

I like to think of it as a sarcophagus of light... but Kenny's Roaster is definately a close 2nd.

You know, you could just get one of those huge afro-style wigs and go to the wedding like that... gold chains are optional.

8:17 AM  

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