The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States

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Thursday, June 22, 2006

A Lafe Index: Health Care

Today, while sitting and my desk almost bored to literal tears, I slowly and surely began rethinking every single event that has happened in my life. When I finished with that, I read a magazine. When I finished that, I tried to pick up my medical insurance big blue book and read through it. I found a lot of interesting things that my insurance company will not cover. And as always, the funny thing about all these things that are excluded is the fact that I know someone at sometime tried to turn in a receipt for one of the following. So here are a few things that my insurance company will not cover...

Hypnotism -- Honestly, do you really need to charge insurance to bark like a dog and not remember a thing about it. If you need a friend to laugh at you doing stupid things, just give me a call.

Rolfing -- I have no idea what this is. But it sounds like either a new way kids are doing drugs (hey, man, I was rolfing out of my gourd!) or some sort of intense probing.

Beauty/Barber service -- Yeah, I have this receipt for a follicle sheering. Can I use my mullet as part of my deductible or should I claim it as a disability?

Accidental Dental Replacements on Non-Virgin Teeth -- Sorry, Mr. Benson, we cannot do anything for your tooth. It seems your tooth has been quite a naughty little tooth and picked up a bad case of plaque somewhere.

Nail Trimming, Cutting, or Debridling of Feet -- Isn't debridling something they do with horse's hooves?

Tattoo Removals -- That is easy, you can just get that "I Heart Guns N Roses" tattoo inked over with something cool like a dragon or maybe a nice butterfly.

The Reversal of Voluntary Sterilization -- Does anyone else besides me see those Vasectomy Reversals Specialist from Houston billboards plastered all over the interstates. There are so many questions about those signs and procedures that I have about this that I can't possibly write them all down on my blog because I am pretty sure it would shut the entire Internet down. Seriously, not just this page, the entire Internet.

Treatment of Benign Gynecomastia -- Now, you might be asking yourself, what in the world is benign gynecomastia. Well, to put it more scientifically, it is what most people call "man boobs" or "man teets." I don't even have to write a joke for that one, it just writes itself.

Medical and Surgical Treatment of Excessive Sweating (Hyperhidrosis) -- Luckily, Patrick Ewing was a rich NBA star and could afford treatments out of pockets. Or who knows, maybe the Knicks helped him out with the bill.

Psychosurgery -- I don't know what psychosurgery is, but it sounds extremely unfun.

2 Comments:

Blogger Nate said...

haha...i miss your humor...hope everything is going great with Stew...did he give you your mail the other day?

1:44 PM  
Blogger RockinMominAr said...

Lafe, you are one funny dude.......
Thank you for sharing your gift of humor with us all!

4:04 PM  

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