The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Sunday, August 13, 2006

Feeling In The Air, Just Like A Friday Afternoon

I haven't yet started riding around in my Jeep, blasting BTE's This Time of Year just quite yet. But it is close to that time. I figure by the time I come back from Utah, I will be.

But it is the start of the time when I begin to think about football. I started to brainstorm for days about somewhat lewd fantasy football team names. I begin to study magazine after magazine trying to decide who will be the best RB to take, who this year is Larry Johnson. I started to read up on all the teams in the SEC. I start to plan roadtrips, so elaborate that I know I will never be able to take them. I watch pre-season games (I planning on watching MNF this week just so I can listen to Tony Kornheiser). But most of all, I will stop on a Saturday afternoon and watch a football movie and then the next one that comes on after that.

So here is my top ten list of football movies.

10. Last Boy Scout-- Staring Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans.

Bruce Willis has made a career as a smart-ass that has a perpetual 5 o'clock shadow. Therefore, he is my hero. Damon Wayans is even believable as a pro quarterback.

Bruce Willis is a P.I. that tries to help a fallen pro quarterback figure out who killed his wife. Somehow his daughter gets kidnapped and he must save the life of a politician that he has had a run in with earlier in his career.

Best line -- Bruce Willis' character says , "This is the nineties. You don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first. "

Worst line -- The bad guy says. "Yes, officer. As a matter of fact there is a problem. Apparently there are too many bullets in this gun. "

Unbelievable part -- Damon Wayans, riding a horse, can hit someone in the nose with a football, in a skybox.

9. Necessary Roughness --Staring Scott Bakula, Kathy Ireland, and Sinbad

Texas State, which I don't think used to be a university but now is a university, goes on NCAA probation and must start all over from scratch. No scholarships, no nothing. New head coach comes in with a 34 year old QB and subsequently loses many games.

Best line --
"Not much of a crowd."
"Well, at least we have the home field advantage."
"The Alamo was the home field."

Worst line -- Kathy Ireland is a placekicker on the team and kicks a dude in the crotch and says "Welcome to foot...ball."

Unbelievable part -- That Sinbad is funny.

8. Lucas -- Charlie Sheen, Winona Rider, and 80's superstar Corey Haim. Corey Haim is a nerd who has a soft spot in his heart for a redhead (don't we all!) and helps her with biology class. Charlie Sheen is a jock (BTW, the word "jock" is only appropriate in 80's movies) that dates the redhead. Lucas tries to play football. He somehow ends up on the field without a helmet. He subsequently gets hit so hard he loses his spleen and disembowels himself.

Best line -- "You heard me, pencil-brain! I mean, who are we kidding here, who is the pissant? The second-rate coach of a third rate team or me?"

Worst line -- "Did you hear about Lucas? It's suicide!" "What do you mean?"
"He's gone out for the football team!"

Unbelievable part -- The cheesy clapping at the end when Lucas finally gains acceptant & Winona Rider doesn't steal anything during the entire movie.

7. Varsity Blues --James Van De... Dawson, Amy Smart, James Cahn's son, and Jon Voight. Dawson is a back-up QB that suddenly is thrust in the spotlight when the starter goes down. He starts acting like a jerk, breaks up with his girlfriend, they all go to a strip club where a teacher is working, and they eventually win their division without a head coach because he quits at halftime.

Best line -- "Jonathan Moxon your are under arrest for not being naked with some sophomore chick who wants to bathe you with her tongue, now take off your clothes and get in the car."

Worst line -- "I don't want your life" says Dawson in a horrible southern accent.

unbelievable part -- No adult goes down during the big game and asks any of the high school kids where the hell their coach has run off to. That and Dawson's mom thinks it is cute when her youngest boy forms a cult.

6. Any Given Sunday -- Pacino, Dennis Quad, Jamie Fox, oh well, you can read it on the right. Pacino is an old gnarly coach, Quaid an old washed up QB, and Jamie Foxx is the new undisciplined QB. Plot is hard to write about. But L.L. Cool J hits people, Lawrence Taylor high the entire movie to cope with his concussions (LT, what a stretch), and James Wood plays a jerk (I wonder if he gets upset at always playing a jerk?).

Best line -- "On any given Sunday you're gonna win or you're gonna lose. The point is - can you win or lose like a man?" Pacino can always make a cheesy line sound cool.

Worst line -- "Hey, unless you're gonna kiss me, get your hands off my ass." A lineman says to Jamie Foxx when he lines up wrong. 2nd thought, that might be the best line.

Unbelievable part -- At one point there is a crazy linebacker taking a shower with an alligator. All I know is I ain't never gonna be naked around no alligator.

5. The Replacements -- Gene Hackman, Keanu Reeves and Jon Favreau. NFL, or something like the NFL, has a players strike. Gene Hackman is a washed up coach that brings on a washed up QB for his replacement team. Hi-jinks insure. Pam's boyfriend from The Office is a deaf TE. I have never actually rented this movie, if you turn on TNT right now, 4 to 1 odds it is on.

Best line -- After having stick'em on his hands so he could catch, "Now you know this don't look natural Coach. I look like I just jacked off an elephant."

Worst line -- Keanu tries to inspire with, "Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever."

Unbelievable part -- The cheerleaders somehow went on strike with the players. What is that about?

4. Rudy -- Sean Astin, Ned Beatty, the guy from Major League says "Up your butt Joe Boo!" Sean Astin, later a hobbit, though I wouldn't know since I have never seen the Lord of the Rings trilogy, dreams of being on the Notre Dame football team. He prays and he runs. He runs some more. He eventually makes the practice team. Get hit like Lucas. Eventually plays one game. Everyone chants his name.

Best line -- Ned Beatty gets choked up when he goes to ND stadium and exclaims to his wife, "This is the most beautiful sight these eyes have ever seen!" How romantic Ned.

Worst line -- "No one, and I mean no one, comes into our house and pushes us around." I guess since this movie it has just become so clique.

Unbelievable part -- That this movie was based on a true story.

3. Remember The Titans -- Denzel, Will Patton and Randy from My Name Is Earl. Segregation is overcome in Virginia when white kids and black kids form a bond while playing football. Lessons are learned by everyone.

Best line -- Randy from MNIE says that he figures, "I play football cause I got to go to school, might as well hit somebody."

Worst line -- Denzel says "I don't scratch my head unless it itches and I don't dance unless I hear some music. I will not be intimidated. That's just the way it is."

Unbelievable part -- At a funeral of a fallen teammate, everyone sings " Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye!" Seriously. What makes anyone think this was a good idea. This movie is supposed to be based on a true story. There is no way that would happen. I swear, if anyone ever sings that at my funeral, I will come back from the dead and haunt some people.

2. The Original Brian's Song -- James Caan is Brian Piccolo and Billy Dee Williams is Gayle Sayers. Caan and Billy Dee are both rookies during the 60's for the Chicago Bears. They are rivals at first, but they become fast friends. Piccolo helps Sayers rehab by calling him the "N" word. Piccolo eventually gets cancer. Sayers gives heartfelt speech. Piccolo dies. Men cry at then end, but tell women they just have something in their eye.

Best line -- "I'd like to tell you about a guy I know, a friend of mine. His name is Brian Piccolo. And he has the heart of a giant, and that rare form of courage that allows him to kid himself and his opponent, cancer. He has a mental attitude that makes me proud to have a friend who spells out the world 'courage,' 24 hours a day, every day of his life. Now you honor me by giving me this award. But I say to you here now Brian Piccolo is the man who deserves the George S. Halas award. It is mine tonight... and Brian Piccolo's tomorrow. I love Brian Piccolo. And I'd like all of you to love him too. And so tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love him." Who doesn't wish that their friends think of them like that?

Worst line -- "Oh, babe, you won't believe it. Brian tried to call me a nigger!" Suddenly in the middle of the civil rights movement, racism becomes funny...

Unbelievable part -- The fact that Piccolo didn't get absolutely left in the dust when running with Sayers.

That and it is hard to not picture Billy Dee as
Lando Calrissian

1. Original The Longest Yard -- Burt Freakin' Reynolds. Burt, sans mustaches, is a disgraced QB (wow, there sure are a lot of disgraced/washed up old QB's in movies) that gets a prison team together to play the guards in a game of football. Eddie Albert from Green Acres, sans Eva Gabor and Albert the pig, is the mean old warden that wants to crush the prisoners wills and souls. The prisoners, despite race, pull together and form a good team. Burt hits a football player in the nuts twice with a football. There are some prison drag queens that are cheerleaders. And for some reason, all the fans at the game root for the prisoners.

Best line -- Burt says, "You know what my problem has been all my life? I've always had my shit together. Always. My problem's been I couldn't lift it."

Worst line --Burt tells the warden, " Stick this in your trophy case!"

unbelievable part -- The entire movie. Guards and prisoners playing football. Dropkick field goals. Burt doesn't have a mustache. The entire movie is totally implausible, but is very funny.


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