The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Saturday, August 05, 2006

The Mustache Monologue

It had to be done. Do you remember the episode of The Family Guy in which Chris gets a pimple? Then the pimple slowly begins to grow and grow. Eventually it becomes this hideous growth on the side of his face and it tells him what to do. Well, my mustache was beginning to tell me what to do. Teddy, that was the name of my mustache, was telling me to do bad things. It was as though I had an angel on one shoulder and the devil on my lip. The thin little hairs seemed to move my lips so that I would say stupid things, which I never do when I have a clean shaven upper lip.

It all began when it started to itch. I went in the bathroom and washed it a few times. Ahhh, much better. But then it felt as though the 65 hairs in my mustache, oh yeah I counted them, had been replaced by some sort of strange mixture of steel wool and cayenne pepper. All I could feel was itching a burning. After another good washing, it finally subsided.

The kicker was when I was watching Talladega Nights. I laughed so hard that I actually shot Dr. Pepper through both nostrils. The Dr. Pepper was not very therapeutic to my sinus cavities, but it really messed up my mustache. Sticky little hairs were everywhere, man.

So after the movie, I came home took a good long look in the mirror. The mustache was telling me no. With trembling hands, I picked up my razor. I lathered my face up with soap.

My mustache screamed as the first blade cut the first third (approximately 22 hairs) of my mustache. The sounds was horrific. It sounded like being in slaughterhouse.

And then it was over. The great mustache experiment was finished. In the end, I can say that my mustache and Pepsi Clear had a lot of things in common. You could see through both of them, and they were both terrible ideas.


Blogger Shelli said...

Yah...but, Pepsi clear atleast TASTED good. Not that anyone was going to taste your mustache...well, maybe you have a lady friend that might have...well...crap, NEVER MIND!

1:07 PM  

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