The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States

One Word: UNSTOPPABLE AWESOMENESS!!!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Straight Outta Fleming Park



My hometown is a nice place. A little bit boring, yes, but I think that is what people like about it. It is a charming and sleepy little town nestled on the Ohio. It is the hometown of me, Kent Hodskins, a reality TV star/country singer, Johnny Depp, numerous NASCAR drivers, and the world's largest sassafras tree. There is a bar-b-q festival every May. And you can't forget Bluegrass Hall of Fame. Oh yeah, we pop our collars, we pull out of gats (or our nines, whatever seems to be handy), blast our middle fingas in the air, and we repre F'n sent!!!

I was messing around on the internet a few days ago when I found a rap song about Owensboro. At first, I thought, wow this is a really funny parody of my hometown. But then the rapper began to rhyme about Harold Taylor, the former jailer in Owensboro, who got in a horrible motorcycle accident. Wow, I thought, these guys are serious.

I immediately called my best friend, John, and told him watch it. We laughed a few times. And at the end, we both came to the same conclusions. Even though we did not share these guys views about Owensboro, we thought it was a really catchy song and they rapped pretty well. But the fact remains, that it is hard to believe that anyone would have an axe to grind with the 'Boro. Sure it is small. Sure it can be kind of boring. But to compose a song about how much you hate Owensboro seems a bit silly. So I have decided to write a little rap about my hometown, to stick up for it.

Then I remember, I can't rap. And honestly, a rap about sitting out on the swing in the front yard and inviting the neighbor over for supper isn't very interesting. Neither is having the mayor deliver your newspaper. Going to the mall isn't very riveting either. Eating at Moonlite Bar-B-Q or Old Hickory Bar-B-Q (And just for the record, the real people to trust from Owensboro know that Old Hickory Bar-B-Q is much better than Moonlite) isn't very ghetto. Having the United States's highest per capita ratio of fast food restaurants to people doesn't win you any street cred.


(BTW--A viewer's guide to this video)

1. There is a drive-by shot of the County jail. It actually costs money to stay in jail. Weird, huh?

2. Maybe my favorite line in the entire song is "Put me on TV with Jerry Burg!" Jerry Burg is a local TV and radio guy that does cable shows and what not. He also calls the local Division II college's basketball games and I think the Owensboro High School Red Devils sporting events. Go Red Devils! Also, back when I used to go to church with my dad, Jerry Burg always seemed to sit right in front of me. And his head was the size of a sleeper sofa, so I could never see the priest.

3. My second favorite line deals with Owensboro's strange love of Bar-B-Q mutton. I never have understood why people in Owensboro love mutton. But the really strange thing, I have never, and I mean never, never, see any lambs around Owensboro. I guess we import lambs. Who knows?

4. I also like it When the guy gets out of the car in the parking garage. The parking garage is for the local arts center. Seriously, it is kind of odd to see a guy pull out a gun in the middle of a parking garage where I have parked during a Broadway show, prom, and a church service.

5. There is a church in Owensboro with upside down crosses. I never have understood why. But it has always been a rumor that people that go to that church are Satanists. It is total B.S. My mom teaches a Sunday School class there for an Autistic boy. And I don't think my mom is a Satanist. If she is, well, she has fooled me.

2 Comments:

Blogger Sheila said...

Am I the only one who thinks rappers look like they are tweaking when they jerk their arms around like that? I mean seriously--is all that necessary to get the angry message across?

12:22 PM  
Blogger JudyL said...

WOW! That's kinda sad. I suppose if they hate it so much here they could always leave! We do have roads that lead out of town!!

I never noticed the upside down crosses on the church. I'll have to check that out.

Judy L.

9:10 PM  

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