The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Tuesday, March 28, 2006

An Index of Jason and Cindy's Wedding: Lovin' Life 24/7

Number of times the groom had kissed the bride before the wedding: 0

Amount of people expected at the wedding: Half of Arkansas

Actual number of people that attended wedding: A little less than half of Arkansas

Number of times we (Esther's car) got lost to and from wedding: 2

Number of women in bridal party (bridesmaids and kindred spirits): 18

Number of women sitting around me that asked me for tissue: 7

Number of times I laughed (appropriately) during the ceremony: 3

Row number that three precious and precocious children were seated: First

My awkward response to little 7 Dotty Fries about I was doing when she first saw me at the wedding reception: I'm getting Miss Jill a beer

Number of times some dude called me Bob during the wedding reception: 5

My favorite type of beer according to Andrew Steger: The next one

Size of the piece of meat that was served at the reception: A small boulder

What the guy cutting said piece of meat knew about it: Nothing, but it looks good

Number of hours it took for someone to compliment me on "cleaning up well" : 3

Who said that I cleaned up well: Gennie Davis

Number of times I was complimented on looking nice: 25

Number of times I replied, "Yeah, I know" : 25

Number of times Reagan Kirkland rocked the mike like a vandal while everyone else danced: Once

Number of times I swing danced: 1

Number of times I tangoed: 1 (Thanks Nicole)

Number of times I referred to myself in the third person as "(fill in the number of beers I had drank) Lafe" : too many to count

Number of times I did the "Tootsie Roll" and "The Robot" in the middle of a circle on the dance floor: 1

Number of times I actually had a chance to speak to the bride and groom during the entire night: 1

Which number drink Lafe that Terra thought would be a really funny: 4

Weirdest song that I danced to: Sweet Home Alabama

Best song I danced to: What a Wonderful World

Seconds it took for everyone to realize that lighting sparklers underneath an awning while the bride and groom ran through was a bad idea: 6 and a half seconds

Average number of coughs it took to catch one's breath after "The Sparkler Incident": 22

Number of people that said it was the best wedding they had ever been to: Almost everyone