The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Monday, April 24, 2006

Celphone Killed The Symphony Star: An Index of a Night at the Symphony

Price of a ticket to the North Arkansas Symphony: 30 dollars

Price I paid for ticket: 0 dollars

Reason why I paid no money for a ticket: Rockstar Jones' wife, Shelli, either flat out stole the tickets or sold enough tickets to get a couple of complimentary tickets

First thing I said to Rockstar Jones upon arrival at the Walton Arts Center: Dude, I thought you said you were wearing jeans!

His response: I changed my mind

Beer I enjoyed before the concert: Flying Dog's Wheat Something

New word I taught Rockstar Jones while drinking said beer at Brewskis: Jart

New words Rockstar Jones taught be while drinking said beer at said tavern: Hey Jimmy!

Approximate time it took for me to feel out of place when walking into Walton Arts Center: 5 seconds

Approximate age of Symphony attendees: 92 years old

Number of politicians sitting on my row that I didn't vote for and never will: 1

Best description of jacket worn by conductor: Bought at Sgt. Pepper's garage sale

Number of times I said that the lead Opera singer had "a nice set of lungs" in the most appropriate context: 3

People I saw laughing when The Little Dude with the White Mustache started to sing but sounded like a woman: half a dozen, most on stage

Root word of the type (I forget the actual name) of singer that the Little Dude with the White Mustache was: castration

Number of times a cellphone went off during the night: Once

What the cellphone did to the Symphony: Stopped it dead in it's tracks

Number of rings cellphone rang: At least a baker's dozen

Prime cellphone suspect: A tromboner playing up on stage

Cellphone ring: Beeps

Cellphone ring that I wished would have been on the ringer: Sisco's The Thong Song

Word used to describe the cellphone experience by an elderly lady sitting next to me: Disgusting

Word I would have used to describe said cellphone incident: Mildly annoying

Word I would use to describe the other male lead singer: Very annoying

Number of times Very Annoying Singer flashed the "Rock 'N F'n Roll" sign to the orchestra: Once

Place where I would like to have kicked Very Annoying Singer during the concert: Down South

The person that Very Annoying Singer would have sounded like after I got done kicking him: The Little Dude with the White Mustache