The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States

One Word: UNSTOPPABLE AWESOMENESS!!!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

I Want My Telemundo

Most days when I am just working around the office, I take my lunch at a little saloon in downtown Springdale. They have pretty good food and they know me there. Usually, I am one of the only people there for lunch. And unless there is a special that day that I really want, they already know my order.

The food is good, but the real reason why I go is for the Telemundo.

Latino TV is like crack except worse. Much, much worse.

The saloon always has Telemundo on the big screen TV. 50 inches of television that I can only marginally understand.

At first, I try to ignore it and just read the newspaper. But the siren calls of accordion music and beautiful mamacitas are too much for me to deny. And once I give in, I am gone.

I love the music even though it annoys me. The variety shows are always strange. Usually there is a gorgeous woman hosting the show with some pudgy dude with a weird mustache. I love the fact that pudgy dudes with weird mustaches flirt and banter with gorgeous women. It should give all men a little bit more hope. Then there is usually a short guy that comes out dressed up as a woman. (Quick sidenote: On Latino TV, it is a Telemundo law that if a woman is on TV and is not drop dead attractive than it really is a man dressed up as a woman.) Usually, the small man that is dressed in drag is doing something that is very awkward like twisting some dude's weird mustache into a handlebar mustache with his tongue. It's very weird.

Then, of course, a band comes out dressed in black cowboy outfits. I love the fact that there is a lead accordion player as well as a rhythm accordion player. Sometimes they even have little duel accordions. One days I want to see one accordion player begin to play his instrument with his teeth. Then, the other accordion player, not to be out done, sets the accordion down on the ground, pours lighter fluid on it, and then sets it on fire like Jimi Hendrix used to do with his guitar.

The variety show usually ends with all the hot women shaking their boobs at the dudes with weird mustaches. The man in drag is usually chasing around some guy trying to goose his butt. The music begins to play and I begin to ask myself a few questions.

Are there a lot of sexual harassment suits in Latino TV?

Are men in drag really that funny?

Should I start playing the accordion?

How long have I been watching this?

When did my food get here?

Maybe I would look good in a mustache?

Maybe I should upgrade my cable to include all the Latino channels?