The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Thursday, November 02, 2006

My New Nemesis

Damn you Zarras, once again you are my foil!!!!

Okay, just in case you don't know, I am a pretty peaceful man. Usually when I threaten to punch someone in the throat, I am only kidding. Except for Beret Boy, the waiter that doesn't wait on anyone, at Brewski's. Seriously, how hard is it to remember to bring me a Sam Adams? But now, I have a new foil. Yeah, that's right, I said foil. I am bringing that word back. My new villian is none other than Ted Zarras from 40/29.

Now anyone that knows me well, knows that I get freaked out by local television news people, but Ted makes me actually yell at the television. Just ask Stu. I think he purposely turn Zarras on just to laugh at me while I scream about Zarras laughing at his own dumb jokes. Usually there is swearing.

His weather forecasts are way too detailed. I don't need to know dewpoints, what the tempertaures are at Greenwood High School, or that the current temperature of the upper level atmosphere is minus 20 degrees. Here is all the information I need to know. Is it going to rain? Is it warm or cold outside?

That's it, that's the list.

Maybe a doppler forecast.

I don't need a thesaurus of meterological terms.

It is like watching a weather forecast from the gap-toothed guy from Best Week Ever.

Except with more graphics of downtown Ft. Smith and less funny.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

I Knew John Pelphrey, And You Sir, Are No John Pelphrey

With all these political ads on television, I have been in a somewhat political mood. Now, some people think I am really liberal and some people think I am really conservative. I think I am somewhat left of moderate, but that isn't the point of this post. The point is to tell my absolute favorite story about my best friend John. Now, I know, the story would be so much better if it happened to me and was in the first person, but it isn't. Since this happened way back in 1992, I figure it is fair game. So enjoy...

John moved to Owensboro sometime in the summer of 1992. I am not exactly sure when because I didn't meet him until that fall in Mrs. Church's English class. Anyway, John was new in town, he was a preacher's kid, and a sousaphone player. Do you know what that is? That is a deadly combination when it comes to the ladies. He was kinda like Kevin Bacon in Footloose, except switch a VW Bug for a Chevy Cavalier, which also helps with the ladies.

So way back in 1992, the political atmosphere was electric with the election between Bill Clinton and George H. W. Bush, back when he was just George Bush. Well, Kentucky was slowly becoming a red state (or maybe it is a blue state, I never can remember those state colors) and was a very big battleground state. Well, Al Gore came to Owensboro for a rally to whip the Southern Democrats as only he can, and then the next day, the vice-president, Dan Quayle, came to town.

John, being the buttoned down, Republican, sousaphone player that he was, went down to the Dan Quayle rally to show his support of a politician that in the past 16 years has faded into obscurity. Well, evidently the crowd was at a fever pitch when a few protesters started yelling at Quayle. John happened to be pretty close to one of the protesters. He began to scream at this protester. He called him all kinds of names, and one can only assume of a few of them happened to mention the fact that the protester had a few earrings. Probably said something about his orientation that would make Michael Scott from The Office proud. But the fact of the matter is that John was face to face with a protester calling him a queer commie right before Owensboro's finest escorted the protester away from the crowd for his own good.

Later that night, John had a date with a girl named Allison, the drum major in the band. What can I say, sousaphone players just roll like that, they are P-I-M-P pimps. Well, John went to go pick Allison, who by the way even though he is married and this entire event happened almost half our lifetime ago I still bust him on going out with her. Well, this nice young Republican boy rings the doorbell at Allison's house.

Guess who opens the door?

That's right, you guessed it, the protester.

To his credit, the protester, a guy named Chris who was Allison's stepfather, never said anything to John. John never did find out if Chris recognized him. I think he did, but I am sure he was called a lot of things by lot of different people that day. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. The only thing I know is that it made John squirm. And that doesn't happen very often. And it makes me laugh...

$240 Worth of Puddin'

This was just a really funny show that used to be on MTV. Justin Jones and I were quoting this show a few weeks ago. We were the only ones that were laughing. That seems to happen a lot...

Mmmmm Sacrilicious

My friend John goes to a chuch in Raleigh, NC that created these parodies of the Jesus film. When I first watched them, I had myself a few good laughs. Then I realized that for a church to produce these satirical videos is pretty ballsy. It started my train of thought to a simple question: What is sacilegious?

Sure we can laugh at a group of Muslims when they get upset about a cartoon portraying Muhammed in an unflattering light. But when the same satirical eye points towards Jesus, we become just as unglued. We don't necessarily threaten to kill anyone, but we are just as mad. So what is the line? Can we laugh at Jesus? Can we laugh at the church? Can we laugh at ourseleves?

For me, I look at these videos and realize that the church that produced these videos is no laughing at Jesus. They are mocking the way that many have portrayed Jesus. I think that mocking Jesus is wrong. But to make the way that many have portrayed Jesus in the past 2000 years is fair game. Mocking the hypocritical way that Christians think is fair game. The reason why people are offended with humor is that iften times it hits home and angers us with our flaws.

I think these Jesus videos are hilarious. What does everyone else think?