The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Friday, November 24, 2006

Thank You Cox Cable

After I cursed you for not adding the NFL Network to your sports expanded package, I must apologize. I just wish that y'all had advertised it a bit. I didn't get a chance to watch the game last night because I didn't know that the channel had been added. But all is forgive, ah what is that feeling? The warm glow of football 24/7 with Rich Eisen, The Mooch, and the guy from NFL Films that has the really cool, deep voice.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Lost Politics

I have to wait until February until the return of Lost. I have to wait until next winter for politics to heat up again. Funny how both have given us so much to comprehend in the past few days, but also both have given us a lot of questions as well. So I figured, why not combine the two. So here, in the long blog tradition of combining television characters and other topics, I size up the 2008 presidential candidates as if they were Lost characters...

Hillary Clinton as Sun Kwon --- Sun tried to runaway from her husband, and many think that Hillary needs to distance herself from Bill to win the presidential election in '08. Both can be real ice queens. Crafty, intelligent, and know how to play an angle. Sun has shot someone on the island and my bet is Hillary has probably at least threatened to shot Bill a few times, if not actually fired a few shots of a scattergun his way.

Barack Obama as Kate Austin --- Both are sooooo hot. But in much different ways. Kate likes to show off some skin while Obama is headlining fund raisers and finding his name up top of New York Times Bestseller lists.

Rudy Giuliani as Jack --- When the feces hit the rotary blades, everyone looked to Jack for leadership. Rudy was the same way during 9-11. He didn't get the nickname of America's Mayor for nothing. Both kind of hotheads as well as lady's men. Rudy is just as shrewd as Jack, but with a much bigger ego and less hair.

Colin Powell as Sawyer Ford --- Both have a bad boy image. Sawyer is a con man and many have made Powell out to be a con man when it came to WMD's. But for some reason, everyone always likes these guys.

Mike Huckabee as Hugo Hurley --- Both Huck and Hurley are lovable guys that have dealt with their weight issues. Hurley threw away is Dharma Initiative peanut butter, but hasn't really lost that much weight. Huck cut out the junk food and wrote a book. Both really nice guys, but I don't think anyone will really turn to either of them when the time comes. Just too many other leaders around.

Mitt Romney as Mr. Eko --- Both are pretty mysterious guys. Both have weird names. Don't know much about Romney, but his background is probably not that much different than Mr. Eko. Aside from that whole drug dealer/priest background from war-torn Africa. Other than that, they are exactly alike. Except that Eko was Catholic and Romney used to be a Mormon missionary. Both are too marginalized to be much of a threat, but they certainly can bang their sticks and make some noise.

Dick Cheney as John Locke --- Both crafty veterans that have battled health issues. Cheney had his heart issues and Locke had that whole being paraplegic before landing on the island. We know that Cheney has shot someone, but we were left with a cliffhanger whether or not Locke shot that undercover cop. Oddly, the whole Plame incident and Locke's handling of Boone's death seem pretty similar.

John Kerry as Ben/Henry Gale --- No one wants either of these guys in charge anymore. Both seem to say whatever is best for them at a certain time, even if it is totally contradictory of what they believe. Both have had issues with people and boats. No one can forget that whole swift boat issue that Ben had with Michael and Walt.

Evan Bayh as Charlie --- You don't sleep on these guys. They are sneaky. Charlie got into music and drugs because of his family, just as Evan Bayh got into politics because of his family. Both are kind of one hit wonders. Bayh seemed to peak in 1996 when he gave the keynote speech at DNC while governor of Indiana while Charlie seemed to peak back during his Driveshaft days when he was singing "Hey Y'all Everybody!"

John Edwards as Boone --- Both are pretty boys that were relevant a couple of years ago. Now whenever they are on TV, we think, oh yeah, I sort of remember him.

John McCain as Sayid Jarrah --- You don't want to mess with either of these guys. They are trained machines. Both know a lot about prison camps, McCain was held in one for years in the Vietnam War and Sayid was in charge of torture in one of Saddam's prisons. Both are centrists that work with everyone, but both aren't afraid to voice their opinion. Both seems to be loyal to leadership of island/U.S.A. even though you know they could work anyone over if they really wanted to. Both have kinda weird little accents, I don't know what it is about McCain, but he doesn't sound like he is from Arizona. Sayid sounds like he grew up in London.

Condoleezza Rice as Juliet --- You just don't know what to think about both of them. They have something in their eyes that is slightly hot and even more scary. And after watching the past few episodes, I wonder if Juliet is really in charge. Which we know Condy is in charge already.

Al Gore as Zeke (Mr. Friendly) --- Both have big beards, Southern accents, steal children by gunpoint, and have produced documentaries about the environment.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Q'n It Up

I rarely post specifically for one person, but I knew that Dr. Lofton would get a kick out of these photos. This should let most people know why I love to cook meat outside. We, Bensons, sure do love our bar-b-que...You know, the International Bar-B-Que Festival is in my hometown of Owensboro, but I would rather eat my Dad's bar-b-que that any of the stuff that they serve down there at the festival...


A full pit


Uncle Jerry



Monday, November 20, 2006


Today, I was driving down 412 and the guy in a big ol' pick-up in front of me threw a coke can out of the window. I was so mad. Now, I am not a big tree hugger, though some would say otherwise. I watched An Inconvenient Truth. I am technically a member of the Green Party. But I want to run my truck up and spin him like a NASCAR. Then grab this redneck by the collar and say, "Listen up here Zeke, I ever catch you littering again I will stick a Coke can somewhere that will necessitate a lot of lube!"

The more I looked around the road, the more litter I noticed. It only incensed me more. It can't just be guys named Sketer driving pick-ups with lift kits littering. There are a lot of people littering. Seriously, how hard is it to find a trash can?

Sunday, November 19, 2006


Last Monday, after a long day at work, I stopped at Starbucks to drink a nice warm drink and read a bit of the NY Times. I was beginning to roll my eyes when I saw the special Christmas cups, but I saw that the Times had a special section on giving. I began to read some of the articles. I finished my hot chocolate, but kept reading for a 30 minutes. After I finished, I walked back up to the counter and promptly bought out the rest of the copies that they had.

I have been reading the section for the better part of a week, and I am still amazed at the depth of the writing.