The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Friday, December 29, 2006

The Year In Preview: Things I Hope Will Happen In Aught Seven

1. Rob Bell, Jonathan Tropper and Richard Russo all publish new books. I know that Bell and Tropper are going to be publishing books in the upcoming year. Bell has quite a unique view on Christianity and his last book, Velvet Elvis, was very fun to read. Tropper has been making me laugh ever since I read Book Of Joe two and a half years ago. Russo is the great American novelist that doesn't get enough credit for his writing. He hasn't published a novel in 5 years. His book of short stories, The Whore's Child, was great, but couldn't even whet my appetite for more of his writing.

2. Actual unification between political parties and the different color states we live in. With the impending execution of Saddam, things look like they could get much more bleak and bloody over in Iraq. Hopefully, the gap that has been wedged through our country with the use of wedge issues can somehow be bridged. In the long run, we still are Americans and we still have a great country. We have to get along. The old saying still runs true: United We Stand, Divided We Fall.

3. The Grove to find a new building that fits our needs as a church. We are in the midst of growing pains, and what would help ease someof those pains is a nice big, and cheap, building for worship and childcare.

4. Serious strides in the FairTax plan. I was a skeptic at first, but the more I read about the FairTax, the more I realized that it was a great plan. It answers all the questions about if it would hurt those that make less, and it won't. Maybe, hopefully someday soon, we will be able to pay our taxes with more just and fairness.

5. New Orleans Saints in the Super Bowl. The D has to stop people, but with a 1st round bye and then a home playoff game, the Saints could pull it out. How unbelievable would that be?

6. XM Radio to really push their music channels. Sirus has a Rolling Stone and Elvis channel. Why can't XM have a Beatles channel? Change Willie's Place back to Hank's Place, but create a channel solely to Willie Nelson.

7. More challenges to the land speed record on a motorcycle out at Bonneville. Maybe the sight we saw in September was a once in every 20 years event, but it would be nice to see some more fast runs.

8. Road projects in and around NWA to get going strong, so that traffic can be eased up a little bit around here.

9. The Sopranos to end on an amazing run. Lost to deliver on promises from February to May. How I Met Your Mother to be continually funny. Some sort of resolution between Jim and Pam on The Office. Big Love to be just as good and just as creepy. Jeremy Piven to still be a central character on Entourage even though Vince and his boys fired him.

10. A great road trip, somewhere. Don't know where. Don't know why. But I need a really legen-----dary road trip this year...

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Everyone Needs A Break

So you are probably messing around at work, reading blogs to pass the time. It is the week between Christmas and New Year's Day and you feel uninspired. So, might I suggest, stop reading my pointless drivel about the my strange fascination with the movie Roadhouse, and enjoy something a bit beautiful for a few minutes.

In Normam Maclean's masterpiece A River Runs Through It, he writes that his father was one of the few men he had ever met that reguarly used the word, "beautiful." But in a fallen world that lacks beauty and aesthetics, we need to stop every now and again and enjoy those moments when the world becomes amazing and magical. So, right now, sit back and enjoy some beauty.

Pray if you want to. Simply close your eyes if you want to. Just breath in and out if you want to. But try and take five minutes to realize a bit of beauty...

My Favorite Story Of The Year

For the most part, I hate the end of year reviews that newspapers and magazines produce around this time every year. I think it is kind of cheap and lazy. I was in the Northern Kentucky Airport this past week and looking for something to read. All I found on the newsstand was magazines filled with stories from the past year that I have already read. But, I got to thinking, if I was going to pick out one event or one story that I really enjoyed this past year, what would it be?

Jason McElwain.

Not only was his story the best sports story of the year, it probably was the best story period of the year. It is a story that ends the way we always wish stories would end. It is a Hollywood ending produced in Pennsylvania.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Goin' Roadhouse On Someone

A dramatization, from my mind, of an imagined incident between me and holiday travelers going through TSA inspection at the Evansville Regional Airport.

So here I am running late at the Evansville, barely getting there on time. Of course, there is a line at the security checkpoint. Well, there are people walking through the X-ray machine with belts on and everything else. Of course, they are arguing with the TSA agents that they should be able to take a bottle of water on the airplane and that there is no way that their belt would set off the metal detector. Of course, as I hear these people in front of me bemoaning the fact that the TSA is nothing but BS, which I happen to agree with, I also hear that boarding has begun for my flight. I am almost 30 feet away from the metal detector and I have my shoes in my hand, my jacket off, my keys, cell phone, loose change and MP3 player in my jacket, and ready to go through the X-ray machine. But everyone in front of me is acting as though they had no idea that you had to do all these things to board a plane. With every pass back through the machine, I am getting more angry. It honestly made me want to go Roadhouse on someone or at least see a TSA agent, who have never once made me feel more secure about boarding a plane, take a couple of kneecaps out.

Seriously people, it isn't that hard. I know it is a pain in the ass, but you have to take off your belt, shoes, and almost everything else to get on a plane. I know it sucks, but you have to do it. Just get it over with. Write a letter to the President later, I don't care. But you ain't getting on a plane without jumping through these stupid hoops. So get to jumping.

BTW...I never did understand why the guy waits until the last moment in the fight to break out the gun. But then again, I am trying to use logic and rationale with the movie Roadhouse, which I know I shouldn't do.

Hoop Dreams


I didn't get a chance to play any ball for Christmas. Usually, a bunch of my old buddies and I reconvene and realize how much slower and older we have become. We usually play 3 games of full court 5 on 5. Sometimes we try to go for a fourth game, but we just don't have enough gas in the tank.

I miss playing basketball. I am not good at basketball, but I have always enjoyed playing it. I am a streaky shooter at best. My bread and butter shot has always been a bank shot from the wings. But even then, there is usually more bread than butter. My contributions have always come with using my intellect on the court. I can cut-off a passing lane. I can throw a hell of a pick. I am also a lot faster than people think I am. I am not a good jumper and I am a klutz when dribbling.

But whatever I lack in skills, I always try to make up for in fun. I love getting out there and making people laugh on the court. I love calling fake plays and making absurd and usually inappropriate names for my fake plays.

When I grew up, I idolized Rex Chapman. I always wanted to be him. But I never did grow up to have 1% of his talent. But, to this day, I still pick the number three if I have to pick any sort of number. I grew up shooting shot after shot in the old goal in the picture. Now, the backboard and goal are in the backyard of a church that was a stones throw from the house I grew up in. The paint has decay a lot and it looks as though it will fall in pieces at any time. A few months back, I was home and went by my old basketball goal. If I would have had a ball, I would have taken a few shots. But I didn't, so I just had to remember all those shots, all those years ago, and the dreams of a talentless kid dreaming he was the most talented basketball player to ever come out of Owensboro, Ky.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Prank Calls

One of my favorite things these past few days has been spending time with Reed. He loves his barn. But I have found that he loves the telephone. Whenever the telephone rings, he jumps away from whatever he is doing and does this funny run/waddle towards the phone.

P.S. Oh yeah, and to answer Jason's question, Brittany is my sister and Josh was what most of my family calls me. It is my first name...

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Not A Creature Was Stirring

Mom called me earlier this month and said she was in a stir. She hadn't been able to find our stockings. I told her that surely she would find it. Well, she did. And inside the pocket of mine was a couple of letters from Santa...

December 24, 1987

Dear Josh and Britt,

The years are passing so fast and you are growing up to be a fine young lady and gentleman. I really am glad that you let me decide what to bring you because it is more fun for me! I hope you have a Merry Merry Christmas. Enjoy your presents but enjoy having all of your family with you too. Remember what Christmas is and Christmas will always be a very special day even when I quit makeing my yearly visits--when you are all grown up. Have fun looking for your presents. Red ribbon is for Britt....7 gifts. Green ribbon is for Josh....6 gifts.

P.S. Go wake up everyone with a kiss but not before 6:30.


I think this was from the year that I got my favorite toy, a ball bearing rollercoaster that my dad and I spent the entire next day building.

I also found this undated and slightly damaged note from Santa.

Dear Josh and Britt,

I hope you enjoy the things I picked out for you. You'll have to lok for the presents. Brittany's presents are in Strawberry Shortcake paper. Josh's are in Snoopy look hard. Have fun--gotta go many m...................

Life needs a little bit more magic like this.