The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Don't Fence Me In

Today, I had to visit a couple of nursing homes to check some scales. I hate doing the nursing home runs. It always makes me sad.

Today was no different.

I was calibrating a doctor's scale and noticed the weight on the beam from the last time someone was weighed. 72 lb. I began to wonder if someone could really only weigh 72 lb. When I looked around at some of the patients, I realized that someone can probably live and be only 72 lb. But it didn't look like they could live very well.

So I just went back to work and tried not to hear the moans and groans coming from the woman with dementia in the room two doors down. It was tough. Really tough.

I began working on a different scale and trying to figure out what was wrong with a wheelchair scale. I found the main thing that was wrong with it was that it had a hinge between the load cells. (I know most people won't understand what that means but I know one person that will, so I decided to leave it in for him.)

Across the hall, there was a man named Mr. Taylor sitting at a table trying to decide what was more interesting: me or a bowl of pudding. I won that contest. He watched me the entire time I was working and laughed an old man's laugh, a wise and pitying laugh. Some other seniors joined him a little later, who I think we blind or nearly blind, and he relayed the events like a baseball announcer calling an up and down inning. I think he was a little bit deaf because his commentary was very, very loud. His words were sparse and to the point. And it seemed that he would laugh that laugh after every sentence, then would look back down at his pudding again.

At first, I got a bit mad thinking of this old man laughing at me, but then I realized that this man might not have any other entertainment for the rest of the day. So I obliged him. I looked confused a few more times and muttered to myself a few more times. I could hear his laughs. After I had finished, I went over and said hello. I told him that I was glad I could be so entertaining. He laughed and told his table mates what I had said. I wanted to ask him about all the good times in his life, the times when a person like myself wasn't the most memorable part of his day. I wanted to ask him about his adventures. I wanted to ask him about his women he used to date. I wanted to ask him about the wars he had fought. I wanted to ask him about the memories he made when he was a younger man like me, but I simply didn't have time. I heard the moans across the hall and looked Mr. Taylor in the eyes.

He smiled, but it was a sad smile. His eyes conveyed all those years not being trapped in a frail body behind magnet locked doors. I recognized that look.

Don't fence me in...

And in that moment, I wanted to carry his frail body out the door and try to make a break for it. Make a break, so that he might feel like a young man again, passionate and filled to the brim with piss and vinegar. Or I could have just wrote down the code to get out of the locked doors. But that would have just gotten both of us in trouble.

I shook his hand and told him it was good to meet him, and that I would see him in 6 months.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Lazer Tag!!!

Man, I hope some people (Nelson???) remember these... I found this site call It is a good way to waste time...

I never knew anyone that actually owned Lazer Tag. But everyone I knew wanted these...I just found a huge set on EBAY and it is literally taking every bone in my body not to bid on this and have a Lazer Tag party. For only about a hundred dollars, this could be me...

The Blank Screen

The scariest thing in the world is a blank screen with a cursor flashing every second waiting to move from left and right. Sometimes, I can sit and sit and sit and nothing can ever inspire me to move that cursor.

Right now, I am listening to Counting Crows' "Holiday in Spain" and thinking about what a wonderful idea that would be. Though I know it is just as cold there as it is here. I don't know why every time I get back from a trip, I am ready to go on another adventure. Jason read my blog last weekend about my wanting to go on a killer road trip and invited me to go snowboarding in a few weekends. As fun as that sounds, I am sure I am going to have to pass. I am pretty sure I bruised my tailbone last winter sledding down the hill behind Crossover Liquor. Another year of a busted ass, which I am sure I would do again, doesn't sound like much fun.

And just as soon as my thoughts on road trips, "if you dress my up in pink and white, we may be just a little fuzzy bout it later tonight," and busting my ass behind a liquor store, my thoughts are scattered and still.

Sunday, December 31, 2006


Around Thanksgiving, I blogged a thank you to Cox Cable because of it's inclusion of NFL Network. As excited as I have been, I haven't had a chance to watch a Thursday night game in it's entirety. Sometimes I have gotten home too late from community group to watch it, other times I have watched it out of the corner of my eye while doing something else. Well, last night I watched the Giants/Redskins game for most of the night. I was listening to the commentary and noticed that Bryant Gumbel, better know as Skinny Gumbel to me and my buddy Adam, kept on saying that the team would turn the ball over on downs during after a failed third down conversion. I would look up and think, they went for it on fourth down?

Now, Adam and I generally consider Skinny Gumbel to be a major windbag. On HBO, he always seems way too snooty and has an arrogance that just gets under our skin. He is the kind of guy no one really likes: the guy who acts smarter than everyone else but isn't.

But here is the thing, a turnover on downs is not the end of a drive. A turnover on downs is a failed fourth down conversion.

Here is the thing, if you are going to act like you are smarter than everyone else, you at least need to have your ducks in a row.