The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Sunday, March 04, 2007

You Say Tomato

So Friday, I had to make an adjustment on a truck scale at a feed mill. Feed mills have a tendency to have rather pungent truck scales. Usually, the pit (always dark and cold) is filled with water, corn, mud, and some sort of mutant rodents. When you mix these four ingredients together, you get a smell that will not only put hair on your chest, it will melt it offany newly grown hair with it's own radioactive powers. I usually describe it as the smell of Satan. If that helps you form any mental images.

So I had to crawl down in this pit and make a few adjustments. Well, this smell got onto my everything I had on. The funny thing about the odor is that it seems to come and go. But when it comes, watch out.

So when I got back to Springdale, I took my boots to the car wash and used about 3 dollars worth of quarters spraying them off. I took them back to the office and doused it with Febreeze. I sat them in front of a heater and turned it up full blast. When the gas finally poofed from the pilot light, I began to wonder a question I had never pondered. Is Febreeze flammable? The answer, I soon learned, luckily, was that Febreeze is not flammable. But I still had the smell on my clothes.

I tried rubbing alcohol, I tried pumice soap, I even sprayed the rest of the bottle of Febreeze on me just to try to take the stank off, but nothing worked. So, my boss told me that Tomato juice would take any smell off.

I stopped at my local Neighborhood Market and picked up two large cans of tomato juice.

When I got home, I took the tomato juice and a can opener to the shower (first time I can ever say that happened). I opened the large can and slowly poured it over my head and over all my extremities. Five things happened.

First: I screamed like a girl. No, scratch that, I screamed like a little girl.

Second: It burns your eyes if you happen to open one accidentally.

Third: You look at your shower and realize that it looks like a triple homicide has occurred.

Fourth: You it takes the stank off.

Fifth: It make you smell like Chef Boyardee on a five day bender of ravioli, beefaroni, and heroin.


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