The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States

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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Look, Up In The Sky, It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's Lafe

So Today, I was driving around Rogers and there, following me, was the Goodyear Blimp. Following me. Stalking me. Taunting me.

Hey, look up here. I'm a blimp. I am floating above the ground, I bet you wish you could do that.

One of my secret ambitions in life has always been to ride in the Goodyear Blimp. Not the Fuji Blimp, not the Metlife Blimp, and definitely not the Outback Blimp. I don't trust those blimps. The Goodyear is the one, true blimp.

Here are some facts about the Goodyear Blimp and the other blimps that I found on the internet, and when I say "found on the internet," I mean facts that "I made up."

* The Goodyear Blimp runs on Helium that was mined in Southern Utah by creatures who bare a striking resemblance to Animal from The Muppets and Mahatma Gandhi.

* The Fuji Blimp runs not on Helium, but of the souls of those people previously in Limbo until the Pope said that Limbo no longer exists.

* The Metlife Snoopy Blimp runs not on Helium, but uses a special process that harvests the sexual tension between Peppermint Patty and her best friend Marcie from Peanuts that lifts the blimp up into the sky.

* The Outback Blimp uses Bloomin' Onions as it's main source of fuel. A secondary fuel that can be used to life up the Outback Blimp runs out of Bloomin' Onions is the methane gas produced by said Bloomin' Onions.

* The Hindenburg was a not a blimp but rather a Zeppelin. Zeppelins differ from Blimps because they have a rigid structure, used Hydrogen, and was developed by Germans.

* Adolph Hitler owned man Zeppelins and used them as a way for him to impress women. This use of Zeppelins was where Hitler coined his most famous phrase ever attributed to him, "If the Zeppelin is a rockin', don't come a knockin'."

* The very first blimp crash was in 1953 by pilot Dave Johnson and co-pilot Fred "Squeaky" Epstein. The crash occurred when Squeaky kept siphoning Helium from the blimp so that he could sing "Old Gray Mare" with a high pitched voice. Johnson eventually told Squeaky that "if he sang one more note in that damn high pitched voice that he would veer the Blimp into the side of a Mountain." Squeaky learned the hard way that Johnson was not lying. They crashed into the Adirondacks Mountains in New York causing only slight injuries that led to both men's nicknames. Epstein's vocal cords were injured so severely that his voice always sounded like he had been sucking Helium. Johnson came away unharmed.

* The Goodyear Blimp is actually a fleet of Blimps consisting of three blimps.

* The Goodyear Blimp is the third fastest vehicle in the known universe behind the X-15 plane and the Millennium Falcon.

* Latest statistics show that 83 people die each year in America from falling objects that Blimp pilots drop out of the side of the blimps for "shits and giggles."

* Goodyear Blimp pilots must pass many rigorous tests to qualify for a license. And like all "Double 0" agents in the MI6, pilots must have two kills. Real kills too, not those pansy "shits and giggles" kills.

* The cockpit of a Blimp is actually called a Newsted, named after former Metallica bassist and background vocalist Jason Newsted.

* Paul Hogan, or as everyone in America knows him, Crocodile Dundee has it written in his will that his body be stuffed, after he dies, and placed in the corner of the Newsted of the Outback Blimp. He is to be propped in a chair with a plate of Bloomin' Onions in his lap and a sign that says "No Worries Mate!" Bloomin' Onions in his lap are only to be used as fuel in case of dire emergency.

* You can only ride on the Goodyear Blimp by invitation only. And if anyone from Goodyear ever reads this blog, I will most assuredly never be invited to fly on either the Spirit of America, Spirit of Goodyear, or the Spirit of Innovation.

* I F'ing hate Bloomin' Onions!

* I was not under the influence of anything while producing this blog post, though I am sure many have their doubts...

4 Comments:

Blogger Jen said...

i definitely have my doubts.

10:30 PM  
Blogger John Nelson said...

That's just f-ing genius.

12:15 AM  
Blogger Nate's Nonsense said...

I saw those same facts on espn.com yesterday.

10:45 PM  
Blogger Kristy said...

My mom got to ride in the Goodyear Blimp a couple of years ago while it was there for shareholders!

10:59 AM  

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