The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Thursday, July 19, 2007

Of Snakes And Scales

So whenever I tell someone that I work with scales they always say, "You mean like scales on a snake?" I am not sure why they always think this. Or if they believe that there is someone that harvests snake scales. Anyway, I always explain to them that I do not work with snakes. That is until last week.

(Anything that is in bold italics will be my more cynical self reflecting on my story like an audio commentary on a DVD.)

So last Thursday, I put my hand down in a truck scale load cell compartment and noticed something rather quickly. At first I thought it was a lizard. Seriously Crocodile Hunter, you don't know a snake from a lizard. Then I realized it was a snake. I yelled at Carl, my temp that day, to get out of the scale immediately. He popped out of the like Punxsutawney Phil out of that scale.

He said, "Hey, Lafe, whats going on?" Actually he said WTF?!?

"Carl," I said calmly, "There is a snake in the scale." Actually, I think it would be correct to say that I yelled, "There's a big f'ing snake in the f'ing scale.

I walked over to my truck and got a couple of pry bars and a can of spray paint. "What are you going to do?" Carl asked. Something bad Carl, something bad. "Well," I told him, "We have to kill that snake." Carl looked at me with a look that seemed to say, "WTF is this we shit, whiteboy?"

I crawled down the manhole and began to make my way towards the snake. I began to spray paint on the snake. It recoiled. When I could finally get a good look at it, with all the spray paint. The best you could come up with was a pry bar and a can of orange spray paint. Lafe, did you become a tagger all of a sudden and not tell anyone?

I hit the snake on top of the head with the pry bar. I began to strike and hiss at me. It came after me, plain and simple there Indiana Jones. I strangely wasn't scared. Okay, so I pissed on myself a little bit. I pinned it's head down with the pry bar and began use a wood block to exterminate the snake. That mofo was coming at me so I squashed that thing's head with a two by four as many times as I possibly could. Bastard.

I brought it up out of the scale pit when a few of the truck drivers came by and said, "Wow, that sure is a big copperhead. That thing would have probably killed you. You sure are a brave sonofabitch."
There is always such a thin line between stupidity and bravery.

I replied, " I didn't realize it was a copperhead. I wouldn't have gone down in there if I would have know it was a copperhead."

I looked over at Carl and said, "I am going to get a drink of water really quick and we will get back to work." I really just walked over to the ditch next to the scale and dry heaved for like half an hour.

Genesis 3:14 and 15
So the LORD God said to the serpent, "Because you have done this, Cursed are you above all the livestock and all the wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life

And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers;
he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel."

Stu with the dead snake. He immediately washed his hands after this picture.


Blogger John Nelson said...

That's a really great story! And the DVD commentary was superb!

9:49 AM  
Blogger Nancy said...

I've said it a hundred times before but Lafe - you crack me up. I was laughing out loud reading this story. I needed to laugh today - so thank you kindly.

Hey - Stu - nice picture of you daintily holding a snake!

5:12 PM  
Blogger Stu said...

I wasn't about to caress the freaking serpent and sing it a lullaby!!! Lafe wouldn't even touch it....

5:50 PM  
Blogger john pelphrey said...

I laughed my ass off reading that, but seriously I'm glad you won that fight.

9:07 PM  

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