The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Friday, February 16, 2007

Life's Too Short To Hang Around The Normal People

Jerry At Easyrider's Show 2
My Uncle Jerry won first place in the old school division at the Easy Rider's show in Louisville last weekend. His old sportster is really sharp.

When I was home for Christmas, Dad and Uncle Jerry were finishing up on Jerry's old Sportster. Dad and Jerry put in a lot of hours, a lot of sweat, and probably a lot of blood on this old bike. They did a fantastic job.

When I got home they were having some problems with the wiring harness. They were both pretty stumped. Dad was quite dismayed, he thought that he had shorted a wire somewhere in the frame. He kept on telling me, "The only thing it can be is that we nicked a wire somewhere in the frame. I sure don't want to pull all that wiring back out." Luckily, they just put the wiring harness on backwards, no big deal.

I walked in the shop right after they fired it up for the first time. All I could see were smiles and all I could smell was exhaust fumes. Jerry was showing all the features on the bike and asked me what I thought.

"Jerry," I said, "this is my kind of bike. Very old school and classic. This is the kind of bike Steve McQueen would ride, if he were still alive and didn't ride foreign bikes. It looks really loud."

Jerry replied with a laugh, "It is. That's the way I like them."

The amount of details on this bike is really nice. The leather work was done by my Dad's friend Don Raines, who runs a great, old shop (Raines Shoe Hospital on Frederica Street in Owensboro), did all the leather work. Evidently, he was almost done with the front leather pouch when Dad and Jerry came in and told him that they gave him the wrong specs. Don was retelling me the story when I was in his shop over Christmas.

"Josh," Don said,"I was so mad, but would could I do. When I see someone that has passion in a project, I want to be a part of it. It's almost foolish what they were doing. But I wanted to be a part of it because life's too short to hang around the normal people."

Jerry At Easyrider's Show

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Apolgizing For Men (Pardon Me, Parasites) Like These...

After hearing about Anna Nicole Smith's death, I felt sorry for her and her newborn baby. Smith has always been this larger than life figure that has been both beautiful and bombastic. I guess that is why her death has been such a large event. It seems weird to say, but that is the only way to describe her death now, but her death has become an event. And in the circus that has been her sad death, the filthiness of mankind has risen.

Five men, only four are still alive, have claimed that they fathered her newborn baby. The reason seems to be not the baby girl's well being, but their own stake in an huge amount of money that can be gained from Anna Nicole Smith's death. It disgusts me, and it ought to disgust everyone.

One man, Anna Nicole's body guard, Alex Denk, who I will refer to from now on as Assbag McGee, told a television show that the child is his.

Anna Nicole's attorney and partner, Howard K. Stern, who I will refer to from now on as Shyster K. Shitforbrains, Esquire, has said that he his the father and has been on television shows crying, claiming that he is her newborn's father, and saying that he left her hours before her death when she had a 105 degrees F temperature.

\Evidently, Smith's former partner, Larry Birkhead, who I will refer to from now on as Dipshit McGee, said that he has been saying that he is the father for months by, of course, going on television and wanting to take a paternity test on live television.

The last man to claim that he fathered Anna Nicole Smith's baby is Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, who I will refer to from now on as Prince Frederic Von Colostomybag, who is Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband and has recently called a press conference to talk about how he is the rightful father.

The sad part of this ordeal is that one of these jerk's is probably the father of an innocent little girl. These men who have proclaimed to love Anna Nicole Smith have done nothing but ruined any dignity that Anna Nicole Smith had. In the wake of a tragedy, they have only promoted themselves and their agendas. In this world where everyone is looking for their fifteen minutes of fame, they have jumped into the media's spotlight with a stopwatch and no class. One of these men might gain the responsibility and the cash that goes along with that responsibility of a little girl, but no matter how much money they might inherit, they will never have enough money to buy back their dignity and manhood. All they can do is use a dead woman that used to be famous so that they can be almost famous. They should be ashamed of themselves. The sorry fact of the matter is that the only man who might be the father that has shown any sort of class is her former husband, the Texas billionaire J. Howard Marshall, and he has been dead for almost 12 years. They should be ashamed of themselves for being outclassed by someone that is dead.

But they won't be. Parasites.

Monday, February 12, 2007

A Stream Running Dry

A Stream Running Dry

I don’t really care for stream of thought writing. I think it is hard to read and somewhat convoluted. Saying all that, I think I understand why people write that way. When you don’t have anyone to talk with all day long, like I did today, a person’s head can be a strange and lonely place. So, I had all these ideas that had no place to go. So they all seemed to go here…

Wow, it is raining hard. I am usually sleepy when it rains. Why am I not sleepy today? Did I get more than enough sleep last night, not really? Wow, the rain is so loud. Phone rings. A ship’s foghorn blows really loud in my ear. This is your captain speaking get ready for…I hang up the phone before my captain, O Captain My Captain, can finish his recorded sales pitch. Sail’s pitch, hehehe…When was the last time I read Walt Whitman? It’s been a while. Is my copy on my shelf? I think it is, but I am still reading Gettysburg Gospel. Maybe I should read that during lunch. Where am I going to for lunch? Nothing sounds good. Why is it that nothing ever sounds good? Wouldn’t it be cool if I could just not eat, some sort of pill that isn’t meth or speed? Oh great, my MP3 player just shuffled to Grant Lee Phillips, sweet. Cool, The Police are going to play Fenway. I wonder where they will set-up the stage? Right by the Green Monster would be sweet. I bet they will set-up at about second base. Pitchers and catchers report this week. I hope the Sox have a good bullpen without Papelbon. That was weird how everyone laughed during Kent’s sermon last night at the most inappropriate times. Weird. It’s always weird when anyone preaches about love. Why is it so hard to talk about love at church? Shouldn’t that be easier? When Is Adam and Flav getting back from Florida? Florida, I bet it is nice there right now. Not cold and raining. I hope it doesn’t rain during the 500 again this year. I think Tony has a real good shot at winning this year. I wonder if NASCAR guys wear adult diapers like the astronauts do? That’s weird. How to you learn to shit yourself after 30 years or so of learning not to shit yourself. Maybe I should buy some Depends tonight and try it. That’s a bad idea. Where would I try it out? I know I would have a proper seal somewhere and I would be cleaning feces off my carpet for weeks. Why am I getting this error message? Oh, okay, that’s why. Heater just kicked on, it’s not that cold is it? When did I take my fleecy off? I don’t think it is going to snow this week. I hope not. Where am I going to go for lunch? I am going to eat chicken tonight, so not chicken. That’s going to be good tonight. I hope that show recorded for Justin. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be…Phone ringing, now, I am sorry, she’s not in today, her son has the flu. Yeah, I hear it is going around too. Been lucky so far. Let me check the schedule, uh, yeah I will have to get back with you on that. I am tired of hearing about Anna Nicole rolling snake eyes. Am I mean to think that? Don’t celebrities die in three’s? I don’t know if I believe that. I bet a celebrity funeral is weird. Where will my funeral be? I don’t know, I just hope they play Clair De Lune. That would sum me up well, maybe Louis Armstrong. That’s weird that I am thinking about that. I am glad Drew Brees didn’t get hurt as bad as he look. Wonder if Dad sent me those pictures yet? Wow, the rain stopped.

What can I say; my head isn’t the place most people would want to wander.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

A Little Lost

So last week's Lost was really good. Anyway, I found this preview on and thought it was funny. Why is there a VW bus on the island, and why is Sawyer giving Jin women advice?

Broken In

Someone broke into my Jeep last night. They didn't take anything. They just went through my glove compartment. It still makes me made though. It happens ever few months. I don't lock my doors because I figure, maybe illogically, that I would rather someone just open my door than tear my soft top up. It isn't as though there is anything to steal. But it just makes me mad...