The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Friday, July 06, 2007

34th Annual Rosco P. Coltrane Caption Contest

Please comment your best caption for this picture...

It is almost like the jokes write themselves...

The winner of this contest will get a great (and secret) prize! All other contestants will have to live with the fact that they just couldn't think of a funny enough joke about a kid crawling up the asstube of an elephant.

Contest Rules:
All decisions of the contest judge are final. Contests are governed by the laws of The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane and the laws of Luxemburg applicable therein. All prizes must be accepted as awarded, are non-transferable and are not convertible to cash. The odds of winning depend on how many eligible entries are received. Any rebroadcast, reproduction, or other use of the pictures and accounts of this game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball is prohibited.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Hey Sawbones, I'm Just Carrying On An Old Family Tradition

(Boy, oh boy, I love being able to quote Hank Jr. Who wrote my favorite line from a country song. I have loved some ladies, and I have loved Jim Beam, and they both tried to kill me in 1973.)

So I was telling a lot of old Fourth of July stories yesterday. About when my dad, my uncle Jerry and I would drive down to Tennessee and get illegal fireworks. Fireworks used to be illegal to shoot off in Kentucky. But it was always good that we had the Sheriff come by an watch our display. Anyway, my Mom and Dad used to have legendary Fourth of July parties. Mom has never been one for fireworks, but tolerates the fact that all Benson men love to blow shit up. It is somewhere in our DNA. It is a family tradition.

I remember one year our grand finale came a bit to early when a bottle rocket inadvertently strayed into a large paper grocery bag full of illegal fireworks. There was a lot of burnt grass that next day.

For the past few weeks I have passed by the many, many fireworks stands and thought to myself, wow, fireworks sure are dumb. But then, last night, as Brian Hishchy almost get hit by a roman candle from his future brother-in-law, the Benson blood began to flow. An d I knew that I had to blow something up. So here is an index of last nights 4th of July festivities.

Locations of Fourth of July Parties I visited: Jeff and Ruby Bowles' house and Gennie Davis' father's house

Number of rainbows that were spotted on the drive up to Rogers: 3

My drink of choice: Michelob Light

Reason for my drink of choice: Because I like the way the bottles look like lava lamps

Drinks I brought for the rest of the crowd: 12 pack of Rolling Rock

Reason why I brought Rolling Rock: Because most of my friends are beer snobs and refuse to enjoy the delicious nature of a good old fashioned blue collar beer

Why we stopped playing Frisbee in the front yard: Because the neighbors were getting riled up

First kind of fireworks that I set off: Champagne popper

The age of the boy that I helped set off Champagne poppers: 3

My reply when he told me he was three: Guess what, there was probably a little boy the same age as you that made this champagne popper in China

Number of Champagne poppers set off: 6

Number of duds: 1

Person I went directly over to after setting off Champagne poppers: Justin "Rockstar" Jones

What I said to Justin "Rockstar" Justin: Do you have your car, I need to go get fireworks. I got to blow something up, now!

Name of fireworks store Justin and I went to: Fireworks City

My comment to Justin upon seeing Fireworks City: Surely we can find some fireworks at a place called Fireworks City

Joke that Justin did go for after my comment: Don't call me Shirley

Location of Fireworks City: A cow pasture

General smell of Fireworks City: An intoxicating mixture of cow shit and gun powder

Most offensive name of a fireworks display that totally cheapened 9-11: Let's Roll

Fireworks display that was suggested by a fireworks professional: The Matrix

The selling point of said fireworks professional: It's cool as shit and it has 26 shots

My answer when the cashier asked me if I wanted my receipt for The Matrix: I don't think I need a reminder of how much money I wasted on something that I just launched into the air

Angle I was asked to point The Matrix towards by Gennie Davis' dad: Towards all the neighbors' houses who were pointing fireworks at his house

The results I predicted for The Matrix: Either really cool or will set someone's house on fire

The actual results: Really cool

Really cool or cool as shit: Cool as shit

Best reply to Jen when asked if I was drunk: No baby, it's too hot to be drunk

Best accessory of the night: Airhorn from a neighbor

My quote about airhorns and next year's 4th of July: That airhorn is totally unnecessary and you can bet your ass I am going to have one next year

Way to describe my 4th of July if it was to be summed up in a Mastercard Commercial: Case of Rolling Rock: 12 dollars, Fireworks display: 50 dollars, Carrying on a family tradition with all digits still intact: Priceless

A Cowbell In A Chicken Restaurant

So I was at the drive through of Chick Fil-A today, which I have learned is Fall Out Boy's favorite restaurant from inside sources. Anyway, I was just getting an order of waffle fries and was planning on using the free Wi-fi. When I got up to the window to pay, an woman who looked to be from India began waving a cowbell in my face.

She said something which I can only think was English. It wasn't until she pushed my money back that I realized I was the 100th customer. Woo hoo!

And suddenly, I wished I would have ordered more than waffle fries...