The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Thursday, July 19, 2007

Of Snakes And Scales

So whenever I tell someone that I work with scales they always say, "You mean like scales on a snake?" I am not sure why they always think this. Or if they believe that there is someone that harvests snake scales. Anyway, I always explain to them that I do not work with snakes. That is until last week.

(Anything that is in bold italics will be my more cynical self reflecting on my story like an audio commentary on a DVD.)

So last Thursday, I put my hand down in a truck scale load cell compartment and noticed something rather quickly. At first I thought it was a lizard. Seriously Crocodile Hunter, you don't know a snake from a lizard. Then I realized it was a snake. I yelled at Carl, my temp that day, to get out of the scale immediately. He popped out of the like Punxsutawney Phil out of that scale.

He said, "Hey, Lafe, whats going on?" Actually he said WTF?!?

"Carl," I said calmly, "There is a snake in the scale." Actually, I think it would be correct to say that I yelled, "There's a big f'ing snake in the f'ing scale.

I walked over to my truck and got a couple of pry bars and a can of spray paint. "What are you going to do?" Carl asked. Something bad Carl, something bad. "Well," I told him, "We have to kill that snake." Carl looked at me with a look that seemed to say, "WTF is this we shit, whiteboy?"

I crawled down the manhole and began to make my way towards the snake. I began to spray paint on the snake. It recoiled. When I could finally get a good look at it, with all the spray paint. The best you could come up with was a pry bar and a can of orange spray paint. Lafe, did you become a tagger all of a sudden and not tell anyone?

I hit the snake on top of the head with the pry bar. I began to strike and hiss at me. It came after me, plain and simple there Indiana Jones. I strangely wasn't scared. Okay, so I pissed on myself a little bit. I pinned it's head down with the pry bar and began use a wood block to exterminate the snake. That mofo was coming at me so I squashed that thing's head with a two by four as many times as I possibly could. Bastard.

I brought it up out of the scale pit when a few of the truck drivers came by and said, "Wow, that sure is a big copperhead. That thing would have probably killed you. You sure are a brave sonofabitch."
There is always such a thin line between stupidity and bravery.

I replied, " I didn't realize it was a copperhead. I wouldn't have gone down in there if I would have know it was a copperhead."

I looked over at Carl and said, "I am going to get a drink of water really quick and we will get back to work." I really just walked over to the ditch next to the scale and dry heaved for like half an hour.

Genesis 3:14 and 15
So the LORD God said to the serpent, "Because you have done this, Cursed are you above all the livestock and all the wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life

And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers;
he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel."

Stu with the dead snake. He immediately washed his hands after this picture.

Why Do I Still Go Into Convenient Stores?

Marble, Arkansas

So I stopped into Phillips 66 to wash my grubby hands and get something to drink. When I went into the men's bathroom, I began to wash my hands while an older gentleman stood next to me. Okay, little weird. He asked me if my day was over, and I said yes. I look over at him and his is shorter than me. Plain white t-shirt and sweatpants with suspenders that would make Larry King jealous and it didn't look like he had any teeth. He laughs and then proceeds to turn every knob on the condom machines to see if he could get a free condom. I began to dry my hands and he patted my shoulder.

Bu-bye...I hauled ass out of there.

Seriously, all I wanted to was wash my hands and buy an ice cold Sunkist, because they are delicious, and this is what I get...

I swear, if the guy would have said anything about my muscly arms I would have decked him...

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Let's All Go To The Lobby

I just saw this trailer for this documentary, and my jaw just dropped. I had to actually check to make sure that it was a documentary. It is legit.

Also, I found a preview for Into The Wild. It is based on a great book by Jon Krakauer. One of only three books that I have actually had a strong physical reaction to. I read this book in the middle of summer and each night I had to put a blanket on while reading. The other two books by the way were David Foster Wallace's Brief Interviews with Hideous Men (I vomited after reading it) and Ron Carlson's At The Jim Bridger (which I vomited after reading and then put on a blanket and vomited some more).