The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Thursday, May 15, 2008

Quick Story

Maybe this is just the Loratab kicking in. But recounting the past day, I remembered this story while doing my urine test.

More than a few years ago, I had to get a drug test done when I got hired for the job I had in Rhode Island. Me and another guy went up to a lab to get the tests done. We were in the waiting room and the guy turns to me and asks me a question.

"Do you think these tests can detect cocaine?"

I stare at him with the dumbest look on my face ever.

"Uhhhh, yeah. Pretty sure that's why they are testing us for drugs. Why?"

"I did some on Saturday."

"Oh yeah, you mean Saturday like two days ago."


"Good luck with all that."

When they got his test back they wanted him to take another test. He quit before the second test.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Me and My Urine Strainer

This is a urine strainer. My urine stainer.

I woke up this morning with a pain in my side. Oh well, I thought, no big deal. I went to work and I told my dad that my back was hurting. It wasn't killing me, so I just kept on working. We stopped and got some lunch. I told my dad that the pain was weird. I asked him if he had ever had a pain that felt like it moved around. He said no. Well, when we got back to the shop, I sat down for about five minutes and knew I needed to go home. Jen was surprised to see me when I got home. I told her that I just needed to take a shower to clear my head and my sinuses and then take a nap. Turned the shower on and went to the toilet. Looked down and saw blood. Not good.

"Jen," I yelled from the bathroom, "can you come in here for a second?"

She came in a looked. Her eyes got a big as pie plates. That's when I knew it was serious. That's when I knew I couldn't just sleep this one off.

"Get dressed, we need to go to the hospital."

I took my shower and started to logically think about what all it could be. I figured kidney stone. Everything began to make sense in the way my pain moved and everything. After I got out of the shower, I got dressed and called my mom to see if I should just go to the doctor or if I should go to the emergency room. She said to try the doctor and take it from there.

So I went to the doctor. He asked me a few questions and the punched me in the kidneys a couple of times. He determined that I have a kidney stone. I got some blood and urine lab work done . He told me to drink a lot of water, get a urine strainer, and take some pain pills for any discomfort. Hopefully I will pass the stone in the next day or so. If not, well then we will have to figure out another plan of action. He also said that if I strain something out that I should put it in a glass jar. If it rattles in a glass jar, then it is a kidney stone. If it doesn't, then it is some sort of other debris. I am not sure what that means.

Well, I got my urine strainer. And it sure is a weird device. I mean it isn't that weird. It is just a strainer. The weird thing is that my urine strainer has a design flaw if you ask me. There should be a funnel nose below the strainer. Because right now it just strains. It doesn't strain AND funnel. This design flaw makes the strainer, how do I phrase this, less accurate. I guess what I am trying to say is this...

My next few days are going to be spent trying to strain my urine, which looks like a Mt. Dew and Dr. Pepper Suicide made at your local Little League Baseball park, and hoping it makes it into the toilet all the while my cats are staring at me, probably thinking, "and he think we are weird when we poop in a box in the laundry room."

Well, I hope you have enjoyed my triumphant return to my blog with an up close and always classy look at me and my urine strainer.

So Nothing Much Has Been Happening Lately

It is one of those questions that people always ask you and the response is always the same.

What's been going on?

Uh, nothing much.

Someone actually asked me that today and I said that answer without even thinking. And now, it is late at night and I have begun to think what has been going on. And the answer isn't "nothing" anymore.

In the past two months:

Got married
Moved across the country
Became a small business owner
Became a pet owner (two cats)
Bought two vintage bicycles
Moved from a mass produced apartment to a nice little house
Became addicted to Mario Kart
Participated in an Over 35 basketball league, even though I am not over 35
And currently having kidney stones

Life sure can be fun, weird, great, different and any other adjective you want to insert here.