The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Sunday, June 08, 2008

The Simultaneously Dumbest and Ballsiest Thing Ever Done In 6th Grade Social Studies

I was driving with my dad to Knoxville last week to get his motorcycle tuned. When we passed through Somerset, I started to laugh. A lot. Dad didn't hear me because he was asleep. But remembered that I had a friend from Elementary and Middle schools that moved from Owensboro to Somerset. I even visited him one time in Somerset.

Jason Stevens.

He was nuts. He was the kind of guy that used to always get me laughing so much that I was the one that got in trouble instead of him. He had the nickname of Pee Wee because he loved Pee Wee's Playhouse (This was pre-arrest at the theatre).

The reason why I started laughing was I remembered a paper he "wrote" from Mrs. Brizendine's 6th grade Social Studies class.

Mrs. Brizendine had a reputation for being a tough teacher. I think there was even a little rhyme about her, but I can't remember that anymore.

Anyway, we had some sort of assignment to research a country and write a paper about it. We went to the library a few times. And all told, the paper was probably only a few pages long. But at the time, it seemed almost torturous.

We all walked up to Mrs. Brizendine's desk to hand in our papers. Well, Jason fumbled through his Trapper and finally found his paper. His paper was the last one turned in. Mrs. Brizendine picked all the papers up and looked at Jason's on top. And she lost it. She already had really red hair, but it looked like it was on fire. She yelled. She threw. She walked out. She walked back in.

No one knew what was going on. Well, except for Jason, I guess.

She walked back in and held up Jason's paper. She started off with a speech about "in all her number of years," but I can't remember the rest. Because I was too busy looking at the photocopied pages of the Encyclopedia that had a few lines highlighted with a yellow marker that Jason had turned in. Shock. Laughter. There was a little bit of everything. But the greatest thing was that the more Mrs. Brizendine yelled, the bigger the smile Jason had on his face.

Later that semester, Jason's family moved to Somerset. I visited them one time. Now, I think about everything and realize that there must have been some back story. Something must have been going on. I look back now and think, that sure looks like a cry for attention. But I don't know. I am sure that Jason was a legend in the halls of Owensboro Middle School that day. And close to 20 years later, he still is.