The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Tuesday, July 01, 2008

I Thought Ratatouille Came Out Last Summer

Ahh, The Reo Holiday Drive-in Movie Theater. My new muse. When I need a truly bizarre/funny story to blog about it always comes through.

Last Saturday night, Jen and I drove up to Reo to see Wall*E at the Drive In. We figured it was going to be packed, so we went pretty early. We packed a cooler full of Cokes (honestly, nothing but Cokes.) and brought some chairs and books to pass the time before the movie. We passed the time with ease for a while. There was a mother who was practicing fast pitch softball with her daughter, and every so often I would look up and listen to her scream about the need to "try harder" and "get her head in the game." So I, of course, stopped reading my book and secretly prayed that the woman would get beaned it the head with the softball. Not anything like being concussed, just enough to shut her up.

But alas, no glorious and sacrilegious prayer of a softball beaning was answered. So I went back to my book.


This Trailblazer pulls up right beside us. These people get out, but are asked to move their car closer to the poles so that two cars can fit in between the two poles. Instead of repositioning the car, the decided to move the car up one row. Which gave Jen and I front row seats to one of the most bizarre things I have ever witnessed at a Drive-in.

The parked their car and pulled out a box. They opened the box and began to assemble some sort of cage. All the while, their baby is still in the car seat crying like a wounded buffalo. Well the man keeps working on this cage. The woman comes around and starts to help. The begin to argue a bit. Sometimes in English. Sometimes in Spanish.

I nudged Jen from her book. I don't even say anything, she just says, "I know, I know."

So I try to read more of my book, but at this point I am just keeping the book open so that I can pretend to read. But my full attention is on my own personal Jerry Springer show right in front of us.

The baby keeps crying so the woman goes around the car and takes the baby out. Not of the car seat. She takes the car seat with the baby still in it around and puts it near the cage. Jen nudges me when this happens.

She quietly whispers, "Do you think they are going to put that baby in that cage?"

I stop and one thing pops into my mind.

Oh man, I hope these people don't put that baby in that cage, I don't want to have to testify against these people.

I assure her they will not put the baby in the cage, though I am sure of nothing at this point.

Still there is arguing in two languages. After the man installs the little wheel on the side of the cage, I become certain that they will not put the baby in the cage simply on the laws of physics, not common sense.

Once the cage is complete, the woman mocks the man and how long it took him to assemble the rather large cage. He puts some sort of bedding in the cage. And lastly, he walks to the concession stand to get some water for the water bottle. He goes over to the passenger side seat and comes out with two boxes with air holes. He pulls out two rats. That's right. R-A-T-S. Plural.

He puts the first one in the cage. I look over at Jen at this point and her jaw is on the ground. I help her pick it up.

When we look back over there, the man is kissing this black and white rat. Then he begins to put the rat into the face of the baby still in the car seat. I begin to laugh and say that it is something in my book. But I am really laughing because I know where this is head. Bad places.

The woman yells at the man, "I will kill you."

Jen swears we are on Candid Camera, but I think Maury Povich is going to come out any minute with another woman and a paternity test.

He puts the other rat in the cage. They load the baby back up in the back seat. They load the rats up right next to the baby in the back seat. When they close the door, the man and the woman embrace.

And it ain't pretty. Trust me. You don't want any sort of visuals on this one.

Then, they get back in their car.

Soon there after, the movie starts. But the show had been going on for a while.