The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Hitler? Who Said Anything About Hitler?

Found this headline in the AP this morning, it was kind of hard not to read this story...

Cake request for 3-year-old Hitler namesake denied

Congratualtions Heath and Deborah Campbell, you have officially guaranteed that you children have no chance at all to grow up to be the President of the United States of America. Oh sure, you can fake outrage on why people would be offened by naming children after Nazis. But hey, at least you got your picture in the paper. You will probably even get to go on Fox News.

And if Johnny Cash was right, your little boy Adolph Hitler Campbell is probably gonna take a lot of (and have to administer a lot of) butt whoppings in his lifetime and probably want to kill you one of these days.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Welcome to the Pain

(Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. Usually, I would blog when something strange, funny, poignant, beautiful, or dumb happened to me. The other times I was just filled with vile, anger and rage. For some reason, I like those the best. And that is what inspired this latest blog entry.)

Recently, a University of Michigan fan decided to be a moron and auction his "fanhood" off on Ebay. Evidently, he got tired of rooting for a team that has the most wins in college football history and the best winning percentage in college football history because of the past two years of futility. I had heard about the story from a few sites on the Internet, and I began to pray that no Ole Miss fan was stupid enough to bid on it.


Of course someone did.

And won.

So the guy made a video to prove that he was becoming an Ole Miss fan and burned all his Michigan memorabilia.

Here is my rundown of the video.

0:00-0:20 OK, why is there no audio?

0:21-0:26 "This is not a screen play" I will give it to him, that was kinda funny.

0:27-0:31 Tipping point was Toledo, huh?

0:32-1:08 Wow, could I get another shot of a Navy sweatshirt? I got a fever, and the only cure is more Navy sweatshirt.

1:09-1:25 Wow, this guy won't even show his face. Did Al Jazeera film this. I am expecting a man with an AK-47 to pop out any moment and hold up a newspaper.

1:26-1:40 Congratulations A-hole, you know how to use Wikipedia. Oh yeah, and BTW...No one except for the Ruler of Darkness (Jackie Sherrill) says Mississippi instead of Ole Miss. And there isn't a "The" before Hotty Toddy.

1:41-1:45 Yeah, Col. Reb is no longer our mascot. Ole Miss has no official mascot anymore. That's how screwed this guy is, he went from the football program with the most wins in college history to a football program without mascot.

1:46-1:50 Wow, this guy has enthusiasm.

1:51 Cue Cheesy music.

1:52 Cue Fire

1:53-2:47 Gratuitous fire sequence. Wow, so life-like. Is that CGI?

2:48-2:51 Picture a now unlicensed Col. Reb.


Welcome to the pain my friend. Soon you will be ripping out urinals from bathroom walls after losing to Vanderbilt (again!). Soon you will be enjoying Billy Idol being played incessantly before football games. Soon you will now what it feels like to have bourbon rained down on your head like manna from heaven after getting jobbed by the refs after another loss to Alabama. Soon you will know the pain of following the game on the ESPN Bottom Line because the game is not on television anywhere. And then you will understand the kick in the ribs it is when the Bottom Line comes up Final after another 3 point loss. Maybe not this season, maybe not for a few more seasons. But every Ole Miss fan knows that the Grim Reaper is right around the corner with his Scythe just waiting for that opportune time to slice your nuts off.

So I hope the $301 was worth it.

Oh yeah, and one more thing. Do you not know how to start a fire? These guys know how to start a fire.