The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Monday, April 06, 2009

An Open Letter to the Old Man in a Motorized Cart in the Self Service Checkout that I Encountered at Kroger's Today

Dear Sir,

(A Quick Preface...Now, I don't usually go to Kroger's during the afternoon, so I didn't really know what to expect. But when I pulled up into the parking and it seemed that I had pulled into a Buick Le Sabre convention, I knew I was in for adventure. And boy was I right. I was easily the youngest person in the store by 2 decades.)

I hope you had a pleasant experience this afternoon at Kroger's. The recently unveiled new store at Wesleyan Park Plaza is quite nice. The split aisles make the store much more efficient when it comes to maneuvering from the Beer to the Baking Goods. It is a wonderful new store that showcases all the latest innovations in the grocery industry today. One such innovation is the Self-Service Checkout line.

The Self-Service Checkout line was at least 2 deep when I found my place in line with 3 cans of chicken noodle soup and 2 bottles of Sprite. I was wondering what was taking so long until I saw you.

Now I don't know if you understand the concept of "Self-Service." But if you pull up to a Self-Service gas station, which since we don't live in New Jersey which mandates all gas pumps be full service, you know that you can't just wait in your car for someone to fill up your tank. Well, that same theory applies to Self-Service Checkout lines at supermarkets as well.

So that means you don't just recline in your motorized shopping cart while the lady that operates the 6 Self Service Checkout stations remotely scans every single item for you. I know, I know, you just wished that there was someway you could have someone scan all your items and put them in a bag for you. Oh wait, there are literally 25 lanes like that. But instead, you decided to piss off everyone that was in a hurry trying to get a quick shopping trip done during their lunch break.

You especially pissed me off. Now, I will admit that is not such a hard thing to do these days. Considering that the FM frequencies no longer register and I can only listen to AM stations on my Jeep radio. This means that I spend most of my days cruising around listening to Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh. And it is easy see why after being slowly brainwashed by these reactionary blowhards that my mind starts to become angry and I begin to Google "Molotov Cocktails" in my spare time. But, like always, I digress.

It wouldn't have been so bad if you were not just lounging in your motorized cart. You laid back with your hands behind your head. Your head that was covered with a UK Wildcats sock cap with the little ball on the top. No one told you to pull it down over your head. Some how, the laws of gravity ceased to exist and the sock cap balanced on the top of your head like a little Redneck yamacha.

I wanted to snatch that sock cap off your head. I am pretty sure that the little nun waiting behind me would have had my back too. I think I heard her mutter "I'll cut that SOB," but I could very well be mistaken.

So I suggest next time you head to Kroger's, you should only use the Self-Service Checkout Line if you can actually serve yourself. Or else you might feel some Old Testament justice from an Old School nun with a shiv.

I hope you enjoy your pot roast. It looked delicious. And I hope you get Mad Cow.

Wow, I really need to get a new radio, I am getting way too bitter...

Sincerely and Congratulatorily Yours,

Lafe Benson

In Celebration of Opening Day

Who knew that Chewbacca was a lefty?

Can You Feel The Love Tonight?

Jen and I went to Books-A-Million last night. Jen calls it "The place the alphabet forgot" due to it's lack of any resemblance of alphabetical organization. She was looking at a book, when I told her that "we might have to go home soon." A few minutes lingered by.

"I will be right back, I have to go find the bathroom."

It's not something I am proud of, but let's all be adults here and admit that sometimes we get caught out somewhere and can't wait to get home. Try as you may to hold it, there comes a time when you know that you need to find a bathroom in a hurry. (Jen also has a term for this time as well, she calls it critical mass.)

So I head towards the bathroom at the back of the store looking exactly like an Olympic walker. I rush in and immediately regret not planning better. The Owensboro Books-A-Million Men's room needed to have yellow police tape around it because it looked like the scene of a crime. A very, very nasty crime.

But, like I said, it was an emergency. So I did what I had to do.

I began to inspect the bathroom, trying my best not to look at the floor. I started to read the graffiti on the wall. The wall was faily clean and clear of any writing. But there was one thing I could make out.

"The Lion King was OK."

I began to wonder about this statement. And I could never get my head around the statement.

1. When was this written. I know that The Lion King came out in 1994. Had this been on the wall for 15 years?

2. Let's say for instance, this was written recently. Why would you feel the need to let all the men that are at "critical mass" know that the fact that you couldn't get over the plausibility of the animals talking and made the cartoon only so-so.

3. Seriously, who in the world didn't like The Lion King? Was this the rebellion of a father that has had to purchase a second copy of the DVD because their child had watch the movie over and over?

I don't know they answer to any of these questions. And I must say, these questions disturbed me. So I finished my business and washed my hands like I had OCD.

And vowed never to go in the Books-A-Million Men's room again.