The Unauthorized Biography of Rosco P. Coltrane

When it's my moment in the sun, I won't forget that I am blessed, but every hero walks alone, thinking of more things to confess

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Location: Owensboro, Kentucky, United States


Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Because I Honestly Don't Write Enough About My Experiences In Public Bathrooms

Yeah, another post about bathrooms. But first a bit of a preface in the form of a way back machine.

To truly understand this post, we have to go back in time. All the way back to 1992. I had just finished my freshman year of high school, that kid that no one really cared about shot himself on Beverley Hills 90210, the first season of the Real World was on tv, and I rollerbladed all around Owensboro. My freshman year of high school (91-92) was a phenomenal year in music.

Roll Call:
  • Pearl Jam's Ten
  • Nirvana's Nevermind
  • Red Hot Chilli Peppers' Blood Sugar Sex Magik
  • GNR's Use Your Illusion albums
  • U2's Actung Baby
  • Peter Gabriel's Us
  • My strange fascination with Genesis' I Can't Dance
  • REM's Automatic For The People.
But a very underrated album in that time, but one that I connected to just as well as the above mentioned was The Black Crowes' Southern Harmony and Musical Companion. It appealed to a different side of me. When all of rock seemed to be going in a very different and forward way, this album seemed to be going back in reverse. And I loved the album. Still do.

So when I was in the local T.G.I. Friday's men's room a few weeks ago when "Thorn In My Pride" off of SH&MC came on, I began to tap my foot at the urinal. What can I say, I have talent. I even began to sway a little bit. I was alone in the bathroom and didn't think anything of it. I heard the door open. And as the door began to close, Chris Robinson began to sing the song.

If you know the song, you know that the first vocals is not a lyric, but rather the front man going "Shhhhhhhhhhh!"

Well, I forgot all about it. All I knew was that I was alone in the bathroom, in what would best be described as a "vulnerable" position, someone just walked in, and someone just said "Shhhhhh!"
I tried my best to use the chrome urinal handle as a mirror, but the image behind was was blurred. Of course, me being the rationale person that I am, I immediately thought that my toe tapping at the urinal was some sort of strange unknown signal and thought that what might happen next would be similar to a scene from Shawshank Redemption.

When I turned around to find an older gentleman washing his hands, I quickly realized that nothing was happening in the T.G.I. Friday's bathroom. I washed my hands never looking up with embarrassment and nearly sprinted back to the table to tell my wife how big of an idiot I am.